(Satire) Campus Security Being Hired Out to Homes

(Satire) Campus Security Being Hired Out to Homes

Sarah Howell, Reporter
September 17, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

It’s happened to everyone. You are aimlessly walking down the hall during a passing period when a member of the campus security shouts, “Get to class!” and you think, “Oh! That’s what I was supposed to do! Thanks, campus security!” The M-A administration decided to try to decrease... Read more »

Teacher Fight Club: Bracket Update #3

Will Hanley
May 22, 2014
Filed under Entertainment, Satire, Top Stories

  Play-by-Plays:   Coulombe vs. Decurtins: Oh man, this is starting to get intense. In one corner, we had Coulombe, the twenty-something year old genius and youngest person ever to work at the large hadron collider in Switzerland. But then, in the other corner we... Read more »

Teacher Fight Club: Bracket Update #2

Will Hanley
May 8, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Uncategorized

  Play-by-Plays:   McBlair vs. DeCurtins: McBlair came in full kung fu ninja whatever gear per usual. He bowed to DeCurtins and entered a classical Kung-Pow Starfish stance. But DeCurt just smirked. McBlair seemed visibly hurt that his ancient Chinese impersonation... Read more »

Apple Unveils the New iDesk

Will Hanley
April 20, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Uncategorized

At this year's Pro-Electronics and New Interactive Social Media Exposition, Apple Corporation released an exclusive sneak peek of their new product: the iDesk.   At the Expo, CEO Tim Cook opened with an in-depth timeline of Apple's product history via PowerPoint (Copyright Ⓒ 2014 Microsoft... Read more »

Before I Hold This Door Open for You…

Joseph Rabinovitsj
April 18, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Before I hold this door open for you, I must first ask myself, “Do you really deserve this?”   I saw you walking towards the door from the counter, juggling scones, bagels, and countless cups of coffee in those weird little carton/holder things.   You seem nice enough. Your... Read more »

Teacher Fight Club: Bracket Update #1

Will Hanley
April 16, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Play-by-plays Angelone vs. Jacobs Angelone entered the ring in Amazonian war paint and with a wooden spear. As she chanted the Creative Writing battle cry, she charged in a ferocious attempt to surprise and quickly knockout Jacobs. However,... Read more »

M-A Bags Heads of Attractive Students for Distraction-Free Learning

Sarah Howell
April 10, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Menlo-Atherton High School recently added a section to their dress code mandating that all students deemed distractingly attractive wear bags over their heads during school hours. “We saw a big improvement in test scores after we cracked down on shorts length,” says Mrs. PetBoarding, “and we figured,... Read more »

Satire: Zito Steps Down, Teacher Fight Club To Determine New Principal

Will Hanley
April 7, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Uncategorized

As many already know, Principal Matthew Zito will be resigning from his position as principal of M-A at the end of the 2014 school year. After countless interviews, the district has decided to hold a "fight club styled tournament" to determine the new principal.   "We want to hire in-house"... Read more »

The League of Secondary Education in the Trouble with Truancy, Part II

Samantha Parish
February 28, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

To: the Teacher With a Surfboard

 

From: Your Secret Admirer

Joseph Rabinovitsj
February 26, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

To the teacher with a surfboard,   You probably don't know me, but you have changed my life.   This morning, in the rain, I was questioning the nature of my existence: those profound questions like "why am I here?," "why is the car in front of me stopping every five feet?," "is... Read more »

School-wide Taboo Leads To Lunchtime Uproar

Will Hanley
February 20, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

On Wednesday, February 12, the gay-straight alliance conducted marriages out on the green during lunch. But of course, as anyone would have guessed, the event quickly got out of hand. While only about fifteen minutes into lunch, people began viciously advocating the marriage of inanimate... Read more »

Career Decision Season: Scrubs, Suits, or Kevlar

Sophia Kivelson
February 10, 2014
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

College is on the mind of most of our senior class. Alongside this subject comes the question, what’s next? Upon entering college, what major do I want to study? What career do I want to prepare for? Thankfully, my classmates and I were brought up in the age of technology.  Through the Internet and... Read more »