Browsing: Satire
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4 College Board Announces a New Course for Next Year: A.P. Bubbling - Joseph Rabinovitsj
After recent reports from students complaining about hand-cramps, broken pencils, blistered fingers, and short tempers as a result of filling out their information before taking an Advanced Placement exam, the College Board has decided to respond by administering a new test next year: Advanced Placement A.P. Bubbling. Junior Olga Speranski was . . . (Continue Reading)
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2 Test Scores Rise as Shorts Lengthen - Nolan Martin
A survey conducted this week revealed that male test scores are on the rise as female students’ inseams lengthen, a testament to the success of the administration’s crack down on school dress code violations. Teachers have seen an average increase of 27% on boys’ test scores spanning all subjects and . . . (Continue Reading)
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13 Open House Ticketing Raid Leaves Parents Livid - Nolan Martin
Parents were left shocked after a parking sting that left hundreds of Open House attendees with tickets and fines issued by M-A’s Parking Enforcement and Security Team (PEST). Vehicles without 2012-2013 M-A Parking Permits were issued $45 fines that, if not paid in full within five school days, would increase . . . (Continue Reading)
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8 Satire: Administrator Caught Lifting Cash From Students at Prom - Ben Wiener
Administrative Vice Principal Karl Losekoot found himself in hot water when he admitted that he snuck cash out of some students’ wallets while going through them at the entrance to prom on Friday night. After several students complained that their wallets seemed a little lighter after Losekoot was done with . . . (Continue Reading)
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7 Staff Lounge Fire Goes Unnoticed During WASC Visit - Nolan Martin and Ben Wiener
A two-alarm fire broke out in the staff lounge last Tuesday after a staff member attempted to microwave an artichoke, but no alarms were heard on campus as a result of regular Western Association of Schools and Colleges (WASC) visitation protocol. After school hours on Friday, March 15th, Principal Matthew Zito . . . (Continue Reading)
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4 M-A Student Protests New Addition to Existing Ordinance - Georgia Reid
Following the enacted in Portland, ME, regarding the whistling habits of local man, Robert Smith, M-A Administration cracked down on students, enforcing a new ban on whistling while standing. Smith, a resident of Portland, is known as The Whistler, as most days of the week he can be found whistling . . . (Continue Reading)
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2 This Season’s Hottest Tattoo Trends - Sarah Hoover
Tattoos are the latest fad on the runway this season. Fashion models have graced their bodies with permanent markings to make a bold statement, and we, the fashion board here at M-A Bear News, are the first to pick up on this latest style. Our favorite thing about this saucy . . . (Continue Reading)
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8 Admin Sets Priorities Straight: Illegal Panini Ring Busted - Nolan Martin and Ben Wiener
Just when administrators thought that their hands were full with parking permit fines and the Walk Your Wheels campaign, Wednesday, January 30, 2013, at precisely 1:09 PM, Administrative Vice Principal Simone Rick-Kennel encountered one of the most disturbing sights in her career. As she passed by six students shooting heroin . . . (Continue Reading)
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8 Miles From Home: Stanford University - Ben Wiener
As many M-A seniors begin hearing back from colleges about admission decisions in the coming months, I must issue a warning about one particular school: Stanford University. Though many students seem to be enamored with its high quality academics and sweatshirts, they fail to take into account the important factor . . . (Continue Reading)
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3 M-A’s New Restroom Policy Awaits School Board Approval - Nolan Martin
M-A administration and custodial staff have been waiting in anticipation of what could be a landmark decision by the school board regarding M-A’s restroom policy. To learn more about the new policy, I interviewed Principal Matthew Zito. Nolan Martin: “So, Mr. Zito, give me a rough overview of what this new . . . (Continue Reading)
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7 Harvard Admission Rate To Drop To Zero - Ben Wiener
In an apparent attempt to bolster its reputation as an extremely exclusive school, Harvard University has announced that it will deny entrance to every applicant this year. “The university felt that this would be in its best interests, as we have a reputation to maintain as a very exclusive campus,” said . . . (Continue Reading)
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7 Alarming Deficit of Christmas Cheer - Angela Lai
As Christmas approaches, students are reportedly devastated by the lack of Christmas-themed commercials and decorations. The absence of snowflakes, red, bows, reindeer, and elves in absolutely every location possible leaves the world around us empty and joyless, giving the sense that it is not truly the holiday season and it . . . (Continue Reading)
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6 Satire: Admin Unlocks Secret of Time Travel - Joseph Rabinovitsj
This afternoon, like every afternoon, I mindlessly strolled out of my house to my mailbox to get my mail. I expected to find the usual collection of bills, magazines, and Netflix videos. I could never have expected how much today's mail run would change my life, history, and the very . . . (Continue Reading)
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11 Satire: Plague Hits M-A - Ben Wiener and Nolan Martin
Hundreds of M-A students were absent Wednesday due to a plague that has ripped through the school. The attendance office was inundated with calls from worried parents saying that their children would not be attending class as a result of this mysterious sickness. School administrators have been searching for what could . . . (Continue Reading)
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7 Satire: A Mitt Romney Presidency: All Business - Ben Wiener
Mitt Romney has often been praised this election cycle for his business experience and expertise, and how this could translate into him being an effective leader when it comes to the economy and fiscal issues. In keeping with this sentiment, Romney has announced some changes he would make to the . . . (Continue Reading)
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