Reverend Zach Abt Performs Miracles at Camp Lunátics 2012
A makeshift stage hosted the third coming of the Messiah at Camp Lunátics 2012 on Friday, much to the entertainment of the masses, who were already pretty sure that senior Zach Abt was meant to be Black Jesus since birth.
Conveniently dressed as a cleric to highlight his alliance to his comedic team, the Pedos, Abt gave his show-stopping performance during the game Party Quirks. Having been invited to a princess party given by Helen Keller (actually senior Max Goldenstein, co-president of Lunátics and captain of the Pedos), Abt H. Christ exuberantly commanded the stage, no small feat when compared to the hilarity of senior Chris Chao, who acted as fellow Lunátic sophomore Josh Weiner, and Jake Bercow, who gave almost too good a performance as a female porn star.
The divine Abt performed miracles during his time on stage, healing the sick, condemning the promiscuously blasphemous Bercow, proclaiming the power of his people (represent), and demanding water that he would turn into purple drank.
Abt was the last party guest standing, and for about a minute Ms. Goldenstein-Keller remained unable to guess just who her fellow partier was. Only after Abt pantomimed his being nailed to a cross did Goldenstein, after a brief spell of laughter, exclaim, “Are you Black Jesus?” And there was much rejoicing.
The judges ultimately deducted points from Abt’s performance because his manner was more like a gospel minister than Christ. However, they failed to note Abt’s neglect to ask about seating arrangements for his Twelve Homies.
In addition to playing the ever-recognizable Son of God, Abt put on similarly stunning performances as the supportive husband of his 18-year-old, tuberculosis-ridden wife, Goldenstein, determined to earn them a bigger box to call home, and the fervently anti-feline host of Hunting Radio. He also had some commendable moments in If You Know What I Mean, in which his team was pitted against the opposing Guidos: he was the only one to make an innuendo about goring, when the game’s setting was a bullfight.
Overall, the Pedos gave a more memorable performance than the Guidos. However, the Guidos were not without highlights of their own. Senior Roger Upton charmed the audience with his portrayal of Joseph Kony (and astutely guessed that the war criminal’s favorite breakfast food was “POWER”). Senior Michael Hester, captain of the Guidos, laughed off the immense barrage of slips of paper claiming, “Hester is gay” (some with “exclamation points!”), which audience members had submitted to be used in the Pickup Line Game.
As of this Thursday, Weiner and junior Becca Millman will be the only remaining members of Lunátics, as its senior members—Abt, Bercow, Goldenstein, Chao, Hester, Upton, and Sean Kelley—will have graduated in order to take their comedic talents elsewhere.