Top 10 Least Anticipated Movies of 2014

Will Hanley
March 11, 2014

10. Maleficient

Did I miss the memo about dark, gothic, live-action fairy tale reboots? Snow White and the Huntsman, Hansel and Gretel: Vampire Hunters, and now Maleficient. But this one isn’t even a spin on a classic fairy tale. Instead, it’s a spin-off focusing on a character that no one really liked or cared about in the first place. Disney takes the reigns for this disastrous piece of cinema. Come on, Disney. Are you this desperate for ideas?

9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The 90′s were wonderful. Purple drank, moon shoes, and infinite Full House and Wheel of Fortune reruns. What wasn’t to love? But like most things, the 90′s came to an end. An end, a concept that Hollywood hasn’t figured that out yet, so we get a reboot of TMNT. I miss the days when I could run downstairs on a Saturday morning, flip on the analog television, and watch Raphael and Donatello destroy a pepperoni pizza in six seconds. But a reboot that is appealing to a fan base that doesn’t even exist anymore definitely won’t be “radical!”

8. Dracula Untold

Oh look… another movie that puts a great mythological creature to shame. I don’t understand. Do movie producers even pay attention to the box office numbers anymore? Dracula Untold is going to incorporate the actual legend of the carnivorous vampire with a modern spin/twist/mess. Yes, it will be a bloody mess. Especially considering the lack of demand for another creature feature. The only thing Dracula should expect to bite is his own ass.

7. The Expendables 3

No. Just… stop. Stop it.

6. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

In the comics, Captain America is a brilliant, heroic, and superb leader for the Avengers. In the movie, he is a clueless and lackadaisical pretty boy. I don’t understand how we are supposed to believe that this guy is supposed to be the leader of the most powerful group of heroes in the entire Marvel Universe. So now, riding on the success of The Avengers, we have Capt. America II. With the first Captain America clearly only being a massive ad campaign for The Avengers, I’m guessing that Captain America II is going to be a massive ad campaign for The Avengers II. My advice: just wait to see Avengers II.

5. Tyler Perry’s Single Mom’s Club

Dear Mr. Tyler Perry, please stop making movies. Also, how do you get enough money to keep making movies?

4. Transformers 4: Age of Extinction

For whatever reason, Shia LeBeuf has decided to leave the public eye and settle down on top of his massive pile of cash high on a Beverly Hill somewhere. Props to him. He had a fantastic career and actually became a very well respected actor. Do the writers of Transformers care? Hah, no. They’re making a fourth movie, since the third was so successful. They got Mark Wahlberg, which, in my opinion, isn’t the worst choice. But when you start having to introduce a brand new characters to audiences who are used to a totally different cast, you get more confused faces than happy ones. See: The Bourne Legacy or Scrubs Season 9.

3. Night at the Museum 3

Ben Stiller is slowly fading from our memories. Yeah, Zoolander was alright. Night at the Museum 1? Okay. Tropic Thunder? Hilarious. Night at the Museum 2? Eh… The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? Whoa, trippy. Night at the Museum 3? Okay, stop.

2. Horrible Bosses 2

Horrible Bosses 1 failed at almost everything a movie could fail at: horrible script, horrible advertising, and horrible acting. But they had Jason Bateman so that’s cool. The sequel doesn’t look like it’s going to be at all different. There was no room for a sequel in the first film and honestly, there’s zero demand for one. But they have Jason Bateman, so that’s cool.

And the number one least anticipated movie of 2014 is…

1. Paranormal Activity 5

It seems that Paranormal Activity has taken over for SAW as the next long-lived horror franchise. The only difference between the two is that Paranormal Activity is garbage. It’s not scary. And it’s not the kind of movie where it’s so not-scary that it’s funny. It’s just bad. Whenever I see even the trailer for another Paranormal Activity movie, I feel like I need to brush my teeth or something. But hey, maybe fifth times a charm? Here’s to six movies and a season!

 

 

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Comments

4 Responses to “Top 10 Least Anticipated Movies of 2014”

  1. Sierra Sheeper on March 11th, 2014 8:13 pm

    These are hilarious! I’m glad to know which movies I will NOT be watching this year!

  2. dlahaye on March 12th, 2014 5:20 pm

    Disney please, just make animation don’t make dark fantasy live action movies; they are all bad. I agree Maleficent is just a very bad and unoriginal idea.

  3. jweiner on March 13th, 2014 10:26 am

    There is a Night at the Museum Three? I didn’t even know there was a Two!

  4. msimes on March 13th, 2014 6:39 pm

    There should be a limit to the amount of sequels a movie is allowed to have