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Q & A with Mr. Ben “Beef” Wellington
Photo Credit: Rachel Fox
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Written by Taylor Gananian
Learn about the man behind the “beef” in M-A Bear News’ exclusive interview with Mr. Wellington, World Studies/AP U.S. History teacher and favorite at M-A. At last, the answers to the questions you probably didn’t even know you had.
1) Explain why you are called “Beef Wellington”?
Well there are several reasons for the “Beef Wellington” moniker. Perhaps the most significant reason is one that happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. You see, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather Duke Wellington was fighting in the Napoleonic Wars against the Emperor. Dark forces had killed many of his people in the icy land of Hoth and he hurried there to save his close friend Horatio Skywalker who had fallen ill in a snow storm. To save Horatio my grandfather sliced open a Tauntaun (which is an extinct relative of the modern bovine family) and placed Horatio inside the animal to keep him warm. Afterwards, he was nicknamed the Lord of Taunt-O which is today translated as Beef Wellington, hence my name.
In a later story, a distant cousin happened to be participating in the Aryan migration into the Indus river valley where he was mistakenly thought to be a reincarnated Hindu god in humanoid form. As a result, many Cows were offered to him as a way of giving honor to his immense power and he was referred to as the great and powerful “master of the beef harvest”
2) What clubs do you run? Description?
The Yacht club was founded by Matt Smith and Sam Hausman to provide a nautical refuge for M-A students who enjoy wearing Sperry boat shoes, J.Crew outfits and Polo Sweaters tied around their shoulders. When we meet, we discuss our favorite catamarans, various pension funds and finally, why the Kennedy family is the true American family. The BBQ club is designed at discovering the origins and traditions of the early Cro-Magnon male by cooking various meats on sticks over pits of fire and performing chest bumps and warrior shouts to express mastery of the flame.
3) Which club is your favorite?
BBQ is my favorite as I enjoy making warrior shouts and battle cries as a form of discreet non-verbal communication. I try to abstain from clubs that don’t seek to help those in need. Now the Save Every Slave club – that seems to be a little self-indulgent. I mean c’mon – what next, Feed Every Child or Stop Every War? Or better yet, Educate Every Politician.
4) Explain, in detail, your rivalry with Mr. Amoroso, a fellow teacher at M-A.
I can’t really answer that question because to be honest, there isn’t a rivalry. I basically own him at everything in life making me superior to him without contest. A rivalry would hint that there is some sort of competition.
5) What pranks have you pulled on other teachers?
If by prank you mean, super gluing Tillson’s desk, photocopying Amoroso’s face onto posters and placing them around campus, tricking a student into looking for the mysterious “watermelon tree of the Middle East” or habitually tossing desks, papers or trash cans across rooms, then I have no comment. I am a professional and the only thing I am guilty of is loving too much.
6) Out of all the schools in the area, why did you choose M-A for a job?
Well that is a funny story. So it was late one night that I decided I needed to find a job. I really didn’t have a preference so I took out my handy Ouija or wee gee board game and asked it to find “where be my future treasure land.” Lo and behold – it moved to Menlo Park, CA. I tried applying to Menlo and Sacred Heart but they told me that my IQ couldn’t be any higher than 87 – which disqualified me as my IQ was last measured at 89!! Almost an A-.
7) Are there any last quotes for the student body?
“You know, dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in ‘Nam of course. …”
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