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In My Opinion: M-A Bear News Online
Photo Credit: Rachel Fox
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Written by Samuel Sexton
In honor of the new M-A Bear News, I will now present a list of the reasons why newspapers, and really any form of media, should make the jump to the internet.
1. Fact Checking
This one’s a no brainer. Let’s say, purely hypothetically, that M-A Bear News writer Jed Springer was to write an article entitled “Elvis Lives and He’s Watching You Now”, wherein Jed asserts that Elvis faked his death to return to his home planet of DnalE’carg, which conducts extensive surveillance on Earth. A quick use of Google will reveal that not only does DnalE’carg not survey earth but also that Elvis regularly plays chess with JFK’s brain and wrestles with the bear-child of Smokey the bear and Adolf Hitler. Thanks to the trustworthy internet community that lies only a click away, the reader can instantly reveal the truth of any issue discussed in an article.
2. Comments
Returning to our hypothetical: the reader, having unearthed Jed’s deceit, is furious at being lied to. Not wanting fellow followers of the M-A Bear News to be fooled by Jed’s slanderous views of DnalE’carg’s Earth-surveillance policies, all the reader has to do is scroll down and angrily submit his opinion, and in a matter of minutes anyone who reads the page will know that Jed (who in reality is a competent and respected journalist) is a lying n00bface. Had a lie been presented on television, the only way to present your opinion to the television’s entire audience would have been to drive to the filming site, throw a smoke bomb into the lobby, and sprint through the chaos into the studio, at which point you could quickly blurt your views before security readied their tasers.
3. Ctrl-F
How many times have you seen something to this extent on TV news blurbs?
Anchor 1: Tonight: breathing a certain way can kill you, your friends, your family, and a six-week-old baby in Maryland.
Anchor 2: Fortunately, we know a way to breathe that will not only save your life but also grant you immortality and the ability to defecate gold. To find out how, tune into Channel X news at X o’clock.
This desperate ploy for attention cannot work on the internet. If this was an internet article or blog post, you wouldn’t have to sit through three hours of TV news to find the secret; all you’d have to do was hit “ctrl-f”, type in “safe” or “breathe” and hit enter. That gives you the information you needed and three unobstructed hours you can use to spread this revelation to all your Facebook friends and followers on Twitter, as well as what you had for lunch today, the weather, and the contents of your last BM. You’re welcome.
4. Compatibility With Our Disgustingly Sedentary Culture
Suppose you’re sitting on the couch, eating one of many American food staples like a Domino’s Oreo Pizza or Jimmy Dean Sausage Wrapped In a Chocolate-Chip Pancake on a stick (fact check this, I’m dead serious) when you realize you’re in the mood for news. Here’s the problem: your newspaper has been delivered on the driveway! This means you’ll have to get off the couch, go to the door, open the door, walk TEN FEET to the paper, and walk all the way back. Thanks to the internet, there’s a better way. You can keep ingesting chemicals and sugar on the couch and get your news fix through your laptop, without having to move any part of your body other than your arms and mouth. Plus, when the Oreo-Pizza induced heart attack finally comes, you can Tweet for help.
5. Centralization
One of the most crucial reasons for the increasing dominance of the internet is the centralization of so many formerly separate services. With the M-A Bear News on the internet, that makes one less thing (in this case, a newspaper) that I need other than my computer. The internet makes it possible to watch a cat playing the piano, find out the latest on the war in Afghanistan, insult strangers, and look at pornography, all without the actual need to own a cat, piano, newspaper, telephone, or Hustler’s magazine.
Yes, the internet is truly something, and with the addition of M-A Bear News, it’s now something special. Hopefully, this change of medium will allow the M-A Bear News to rise to unparalleled heights, gaining fame that only the internet can provide. One day, the M-A Bear News may be as well known as the Dramatic Chipmunk, Hamster on a Piano, the best-spoken line of Gerard Butler’s entire career, or, god willing, Rick Astley’s immortal “Never Gonna Give You Up”. And if you think I’m full of crap, go ahead and tell me. That’s what the comment button is for.
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Photo credit Leah Worthington
WEEKLY CAPTION CONTEST:
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 am
Go ahead, try and read this without hearing Sam’s voice. Give up now? Good, it can’t be done. That being said, this article wouldn’t be 1/2 as good without his awesomely Sam voice. Well done sir, this was quite the read.
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Sam Sexton Reply:
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Do you mean my physical voice or the tone? I was going for a Dave Barry-ish kind of tone.
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Kurt Kessler Reply:
November 4th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Michael, you are completely correct. I can’t read this article without Sam’s voice going on in my head.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant, Sam! Great article.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 pm
agreed 100%
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November 4th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Spot on. Spot on.
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November 4th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
i love this.
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November 4th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Well thanks, everyone. I’m actually quite surprised I haven’t gotten any form of hatemail or baseless smears yet. Maybe that’ll come with the commercial article.
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November 4th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Someone post another comment; I will then have more comments than any of the other articles accessible directly from the homepage combined.
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November 5th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Can we back up please to the defecating gold part? I want answers!
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Sam Sexton Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
WOO 10TH COMMENT!!! Well, that’s the point. Watch Channel X news at X O’clock to find out…
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November 5th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Hilarious. I’ve never heard Sam’s voice in real time, but I hear it here. Good work!
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Sam Sexton Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 12:27 am
If you’ve never heard my real voice, will you do me a favor? I’ve always wanted to have Darth Vader or Riddick’s voice, so if you could imagine my voice as one of those, that would be cool.
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November 12th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Sam this is great. I agree with Michael.. i could HEAR you saying this
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November 12th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Pure genius.
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