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In My Opinion: Commercials and Me
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Written by Sam Sexton
I finished waiting for an internet video to load, and I’m surprised to find myself saying that I miss the days when computers wouldn’t show anything at the beginning of videos as they loaded. Now, we have the capability to make these videos load faster, but the time that we would normally spend sighing, switching to another electronic distraction, or (God forbid) read a book, can now be spent forcing advertisements down our throats. The ad I just saw showed a woman trying to enter a boutique, noticing a mannequin on her way inside. The mannequin, undoubtedly in a bad mood, threatens to eat the woman’s face with its nonexistent mouth if she supports this boutique and its high prices. The mannequin’s voice, as is revealed later on, belongs to a woman hiding in nearby bushes, committing clearly illegal acts of soliciting. Her TJ-Maxx brand bag she walks away with reveals who put her up to this act. We don’t see what happens next, although presumably the police are alerted that a mannequin threatened someone’s life. Finding the audio equipment used to carry the woman’s voice, the police will scan it for fingerprints and DNA evidence, tracking down the woman and arresting her. Though she will initially deny all charges, the woman is soon confronted with the enormity of her crimes. Commercial sabotage, death threats, and soliciting on private property with the use of a probably stolen mannequin will be brought against her. Hoping to decrease her seven year sentence to three, or possibly less with good behavior, the woman decides to reveal the massive TJ-Maxx conspiracy that hired her to commit the crimes. When this information comes to light, the police are even prepared to reduce her sentence to community service. This is not to be, however, as the TJ-Maxx Megacorporation, eager to hide their despicable money-making strategies, will undoubtedly hire well-paid third world mercenaries and equip them with anything they need. The woman, police chief, and everyone who heard her testimony are instantly silenced, while celebrating over a cup of coffee, by a hail of RPG rockets and gunfire from a nearby parking lot. TJ-Maxx’s money will cover up this incident too, ending the lives of the woman and the police who dared to stand against the TJ-Maxx agenda in obscurity.
However, the commercial ultimately fails-the woman’s natural voice is that of an angry mother, which certainly doesn’t want to make me buy new school supplies, the boutique they portray looks charming and unique, and ultimately such cruel methods as death threats only increase my fear of TJ-Maxx instead of my willingness to give them money. And yet, this is one of the best commercials I’ve seen recently. Why? One simple reason: I can tell from the get-go what it wants me to buy. The rants about low prices and the fact said rants seem to be coming from a mannequin implies shopping and clothing, and the TJ-Maxx bag reveal at the end makes sense and is in fact fairly predictable. This is what makes it so rare; one often can’t tell what a commercial is advertising until the very end. This is a common occurrence in today’s commercials, with the guiltiest being car companies. The average car commercial, sadly enough, often goes something like this:
(We see a dragon flying through the sky, breathing fire and looking generally badass. Suddenly, a deep voice speaks up)
Deep Voice: What do you like? Safety?
(The dragon begins to change, transforming into a suit of armor)
DV: Beauty?
(The armor shifts into a shimmering butterfly)
DV: Environmentalism?
(The butterfly shifts into a green dragon. As the dragon flies, it leaves a trail of flowers, rainbows, and cheering hippies and children behind it)
DV: Then the Hondatoyotabaru Animal-name is for you.
(The dragon changes into a generic-looking silver car that starts driving over several beautiful landscapes where nobody in a million years would ever bring a car that nice. While we watch this, the deep voice starts telling us about how their car is better and sleeker than their competitors, and that the smog their car emits is better for the environment than their competitor’s smog)
See? Would anyone guess at first glance that something like that was a car advertisement? But cars are far from the only offenders in this category; Levi’s new campaign in particular will seem vague and abstract for anyone who hasn’t seen their commercials before. What, you couldn’t guess that images of young people doing things while hearing Walt Whitman’s Pioneers O Pioneers means that you should buy jeans? What are you, an idiot?
The last offender I want to talk about uses a type of nonsensical advertising that is only nonsensical the first time you see it and simply becomes more disturbing each subsequent time you see it. This would be Boost Mobile’s new series of ads denouncing their opponent’s cell phone fee policies. I’ve only seen two so far, the first of which involves a pig eating ham whilst another pig looks on in shock and a coroner eating a burrito he stored inside of a cadaver. Both monsters defend their actions with the phrase “I’ll tell you what’s wrong: a cell phone company that charges hidden fees.” So eating my own kind is fine, Boost Mobile? With the progression from pig cannibalism to quasi-human cannibalism, I fear that these commercials are getting more and more extreme. Soon, we may see a parent juggling a baby, a few chainsaws and seven boxes of lit fire crackers defending his actions by indirectly accusing Verizon Wireless of being too expensive. How many pigs will they humiliate or babies will they kill to make their point?
As one can see, advertisements these days have gotten too abstract, in my opinion, to accurately be called advertisements. They’re more like sponsored short films. So if I have a point, I guess it’s this: advertisers, can you please find a way for your commercials to both be funny and make sense? Isn’t there a better way to sell things than exorbitant use of car morphing or horrific pig-cannibalism?
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Photo credit Leah Worthington
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December 3rd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Wow! This is by far the best article I’ve ever read! Kudos!
[Reply]
December 6th, 2009 at 12:17 am
Sam I admire you.
and your modesty…
Great article
[Reply]
Sam Sexton Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Well thank you rachel
[Reply]