Photo Credit: Eric Evans

Samuel Sexton

Today, I will address an issue that plagues AP U.S. History students and fourth-graders alike: the states.  Other countries are divided into districts or regions, but this is often simply for geography’s sake, and there are often fewer than six or seven of these divisions. America, on the other hand, has FIFTY states, and the laws are often different in each and every one.

For example, the age of consent for sexual relations in California is 18, whereas in Iowa, people are allowed to breed as early as 14.  Plus, having so many states seems odd, as many of them are empty – I’m fairly certain Wyoming has around six people and three wolves (how else could Dick Cheney be elected governor?).  These divisions wouldn’t be such an issue if they just existed, but our current educational system forces them down our throats.  Both times I have had to memorize these divisions – once in fourth grade and again now – I thought that it was relatively stupid and pointless.  Fortunately, now that the school has most foolishly given me a column, I can voice my solutions for your amusement:

1. Get rid of at least thirty of the states.

I wouldn’t suggest this, except that teachers seem determined to make us memorize all the states no matter how insignificant or small they may be.  Why the hell should I have to memorize a state as insignificant as Iowa? You saw the age for consensual sex they have there, they’re perverts!  I’m sure the teen-lovin’ inhabitants of Iowa feel the same way about us; why should they have to memorize the name of a state that got rid of all their corn fields for fancy-shmancy scientists and engineers?  While we could reduce California to an agrarian economy and jail whatever weirdo writes laws in Iowa, I have a much simpler solution: get rid of some of the states.  Let’s start with the obvious. Alaska and Hawaii are gone.  The “freak states” have always existed for resource purposes alone, and their populations are small enough to absorb into the other states.  The completely extraneous geographic landmasses of Alaska and Hawaii will probably be absorbed by Canada and become an independent tourist haven, respectively.  There are several other obvious changes; North/South Dakota and Carolina need to get the hell over it, but it’ll be simpler just to list the new United States of America:

The Best One (California, Oregon, Washington)

Mostly Squares (Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, Arizona)

Gambling/Prostitution/Aliens (Nevada, New Mexico)

Death Penalty Land (Texas)

Pan (Oklahoma)

Superman’s Home/Corn (Kansas, Nebraska)

Dakota (North Dakota, South Dakota)

It’s Probably Cold Here In Winter (Wisconsin, Minnesota, and the vestigial part of Michigan)

I’s And An O (Iowa, Indiana, Illinois, Ohio)

Rivers/Little Rock (Missouri, Mississippi, Arkansas)

Louisiana (unchanged because it’s shaped like an “L” and therefore easier to memorize)

Mitten (most of Michigan)

Famous for Racism (Alabama, Georgia, Florida)

Carolina (North Carolina, South Carolina)

Elvis/Chicken (Kentucky, Tennessee)

Virginia (Virginia, West Virginia)

New York City (New York, Pennsylvania)

Washington D.C. (Maryland, District of Columbia)

The Third Best One (Maine, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Delaware, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire)

Aren’t the states easier to remember now? “But Sam,” cry out the foolish and inept critics of my brilliant system, “which state is the second best state? And Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri and the Carolinas are famous for racism too, right?”  Well, the second best state is obviously New York City.  And just because many of our states are famous for racism, doesn’t mean we have to incorporate it into the name.  We can add a subtitle, like “Virginia: Extreme Racism Existed/Still Exists Here”.  Now that I’ve offended enough people for my quota, we can move on to another way to solve this problem.

2. Don’t make us memorize these useless facts.

Okay, maybe they aren’t useless, but come on!  Fourth graders have better things to do, like Pokemon! At least, that’s what I did.  They’re probably doing something less cool nowadays.  Anyway, APUSH students also have better things to do, like Facebook! Wellington and many fourth grade teachers may protest, saying that it is important to know the states.  Yes, it is useful knowledge to know, especially if I need to plan a trip and have to find out exactly where “Iowa” is to guess how much money the flight will cost.  If only there was a way to instantly find out this information without leaving my house, or even a way to find it if I was out of the house and procured any phone made within the past three years.  What we need is some series of interconnected “nets” of information that would render all forms of memorization meaningless as any miscellaneous fact could be found in seconds.  Until this “inter-net” is invented, I guess I can understand teachers forcing students to memorize the different states.  If it existed though, these teachers would be wasting pretty much everyone’s time.

For the response to this column, see A Rebuttal To The United States of America.