Currently Browsing: Opinion
In My Opinion: 2012
.
Written by Sam Sexton
The current doomsday theory de jour is 2012. For those who have been fortunate enough not to know about this phenomenon, the 2012 doomsday theory maintains that the Mayans, who had accurate calendars, ended theirs in the year 2012 because they knew the world would end in that year. This theory has several holes in its logic- most notably the question of how such a prophetic people could have been so blind to their impending collapse- but it’s simply easier to dismiss it, as Stephen Hawking has, as “the biggest load I’ve ever heard, and if you believe this crap, stop breathing my air, you stupid, stupid cretin.” (source: Weekly World News.) True, there have been some eerie signs recently. To name a few:
- Apparently, James Cameron’s Avatar was not, as he claimed, “The single greatest thing ever created by man, beast, plant, or God, who by the way takes orders from me.”
- People generally seem to agree that Taylor “shirt-optional” Lautner’s best movie is New Moon, despite the fact that Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3D is clearly a much more well written, directed, and all-around superior film
- Iowa, despite being a Satan-worshiping, baby-eating, corn infested cesspool of human misery who elected Hitler as their governor, still managed to legalize gay marriage before California (source: Wikipedia article on Iowa as of 3:26 PM 1-25-10, although, being Wikipedia, it is a bit inaccurate-it says Hitler was their mayor)
But that doesn’t mean the end of the world! Y2K was supposed to be the end of the world (although Bill Gates did belatedly deliver on the promise of breaking every computer ever with Windows Vista) and there were WAY more ominous signs pointing towards some sort of doomsday event. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, debatably the worst war crime of 1999, broke box-office records. And remember Furbies? Yet we lived on. So why are people so eager to grasp at straws and play “boy-who-cried-we’re-all-gonna-die-horribly-in-a-very-short-period-of-time”? The factors are too many to count: depression, the desire to take money from idiots, just being a giant jerk, or even genuinely believing that, even though EVERY other prediction of the end of the world was wrong, yours will be right, and all those damn doubters sure will be sorry when we’re all dead! Ha!
No matter the cause, doomsday movements are here to stay, be it the 2012 movement or the ridiculously large number of other theories that have sprung up. Rollen Stewart believed that, in 1992, the rapture was coming, prompting him (of course) to stinkbomb churches. Or Taiwanese cult leader Hon-Ming Chen, who claimed that, at 12:01 AM on March 31, 1998, every TV in America would broadcast a message from God announcing the end of the world, followed by His arrival in a spaceship (to Chen’s credit, he had the courtesy to admit that he was wrong, and even offered himself up for crucifixion.)
Fortunately, we all know these theories are completely ridiculous, and for one simple reason: none of them hold a candle to mine. The clues have been in front of us all along, really. All one needs to do is lay out the following bible quotes:
[Rev 17:18] And the woman which thou sawest is that great city, which reigneth over the kings of the earth.
[Rev 18:9] And the kings of the earth, who have committed fornication and lived deliciously with her, shall bewail her, and lament for her, when they shall see the smoke of her burning,
[Rev 18:16] And saying, Alas, alas that great city, that was clothed in fine linen, and purple, and scarlet, and decked with gold, and precious stones, and pearls!
[Rev 19:12] His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.
Now then:
The first quote has two misspelled words, “sawest” and “reigneth”. Spellcheck recommends changing them to “safest” and “reigned”. In total, the sum of the misspelled and correctly spelled words’ letters is 27- a mundane number in itself, but with “spellcheck” added in, the total rises to 37. Divide that by the number of words, and we get 7.4.
The second quote is from Revelations 18:9- a ratio of 2:1. Remove the semicolon, and we get 21.
In 18:16, ‘alas’ is highlighted twice; two, if assigned a letter value, is “B.”
All the bolded letters in 19:12 add up to 31, but if we subtract 10- the base of our entire counting system- we get 21, which would be the letter “U.”
“His head” is also bolded in 19:12. If “his” refers to Satan- which any good doomsday theory should include- that phrase should be considered of extra significance, meaning that we should add up the letters in that phrase too. The result: 7, a mere 1 away from the digit of the beast, and the alphabetical equivalent of the letter “G.”
The black text, when placed on white paper, creates the color scheme most commonly associated with early cinema or outer space. Considering the serious nature of this discussion, we can safely eliminate old movies as a notable factor in the end of days.
Added up, this creates 7.4.21 BUG + in space. The unmistakable message is that the summer blockbuster Independence Day may have been closer to the truth than anyone ever thought. We will be destroyed not on December 21, 2012, but on July 4, 2021, and not at the hands of an army of Mayan zombies or a pyramid based super-weapon. Our world will end at the cold, inhuman claws of a race of alien insectoid creatures. So, in conclusion, we really shouldn’t be worrying about this whole “2012” thing. We have better things to do, like prepare ourselves for enslavement. For soon, the insect conquerors will arrive. And if they make it past the giant orbiting roach hotel NASA will undoubtedly build when they learn of this threat, they’ll be pissed.
Email This Story
Print This Story
Loading ...
February 8th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
“Iowa, despite being a Satan-worshiping, baby-eating, corn infested cesspool of human misery who elected Hitler as their governor, still managed to legalize gay marriage before California (source: Wikipedia article on Iowa as of 3:26 PM 1-25-10, although, being Wikipedia, it is a bit inaccurate-it says Hitler was their mayor)”
You’re clearly still mad about how your last article went. Glad to see it.
[Reply]
Sam Sexton Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
By the way (have another comment up but forgot to make it a reply), have we met or something? You did a brilliant take on my last article but this comment doesn’t seem like anything other than provocation, which seems like an odd thing for a stranger (albeit a funny one) to do. Just curious.
[Reply]
February 9th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Actually, If you’ve watched Stephen Colbert’s Colbert Report, you’ll know that I’m referencing a running joke he had for a few episodes wherein he nonsensically loathed and insulted various small towns named Canton. In fact, I’m kind of glad about your article-I have a running joke now.
[Reply]
February 18th, 2010 at 12:29 am
Sam, I think you’re hilarious as always. Some people just can’t take a joke.
[Reply]
May 27th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
North Dakota is a far worse state in all possible aspects than Iowa. At least Iowa serves a purpose with corn and is MILDLY interesting.
[Reply]