Photo Credit: Lindsay Keare

Look closely and you will see that the statements made on magazine covers can be very misleading.

You just got lured into reading this article. You’re not as smart as I thought you were.

My flashy title drew you in, didn’t it?

Magazine companies cover their glossy weeklies and monthlies with bold statements about the latest in celebrity gossip and fashion trends in an attempt to convince gullible Americans (like you!) into buying their overpriced gossip columns.

Upon closer inspection, however, one sees just how ridiculous these cover statements really are. In fact, many of the assertions magazines may actually mean something completely different than you might think. Observe:

SEVENTEEN

MTV’s Teen Mom Exclusive: “I never wanted to be a teen mom”

Translation: We just thought we’d go and state the obvious for those of you who hadn’t already realized this on your own.

PEOPLE

The Jolie-Pitts: Big Happy Family, The Latest on the Kids

Translation: Nothing else is going on in Hollywood right now.

TEEN VOGUE

Pushy Parents: How to Get Yours to Back Off

Translation: The art of being a brat.

PEOPLE

Only in People

Brad and Emily’s Drama

The Bachelor Blowup

Brad: “This is no fairy tale”

She got cold feet.

He’s fighting to keep her.

And now they’re thinking about having a baby?

The Couple Tell All

Translation: We didn’t have any other picture to put on the front page, so we’d thought we’d just fill up the space with words.. (And People, it’s “the couple tells all,” not “the couple tell all.” Get your verbs right.)

SHAPE

Satisfy your Sweet Tooth: The Guilt Free Way

Translation: You’ve been scarfing down Milky Ways, and doing so has been making you feel guilty. We’re here to teach you how to stop drowning yourself in this self-based guilt.

LIFE AND STYLE

Suri’s Twisted World: [She] Plays with X-rated Candy

Translation: Aren’t Tom and Katie terrible parents? It’s not like she could go into a sex shop and buy the candy on her own. Also includes where you can buy the smutty candy.

COSMOPOLITAN

50 Ways to Seduce a Man (in a minute or less)

Translation: This article is for desperate, impatient women.

GLOBE

William and Kate Wedding Disaster: Sex Scandal Explodes

Translation: Everybody knows that the only thing juicier than a celebrity sex scandal is a ROYAL sex scandal, so we thought we’d make one up.

POP

Are Selena and Justin really meant for each other?

Translation: A few months ago Selena said that Justin was like a little brother to her, so the real question is “Are Selena and Justin having an incestuous sibling relationship?”

PEOPLE STYLE WATCH

476 ways to look great every day

Translation: You’ll look so great you won’t mind that we’ve only given you about 70.