Photo Credit: Madeline Drace

Do cartoon characters have a dark side we don't know about?

Earlier this month, a San Diego man dressed up as the claymation character Gumby attempted to rob a convenience store. While this perpetrator’s bungled crime has left its own amusing mark on recent news, the demotion of Gumby to petty criminal has tainted the reputation of all other cartoon characters, the childhood pop culture icons we hold near and dear to our hearts. If Gumby can [try to] hold a storeowner at gunpoint, who’s to say that other fatal flaws won’t surface in other characters? Below is a list of potential headlines telling of these [somewhat] imminent crimes. If you’ve enjoyed the façade of goodness with which these characters shrouded your infancy, you may be in for quite the surprise.

Oscar the Grouch arrested for panhandling.

Calvin murders 12: “The tiger told me to do it.”

Snow White forces nation into helium shortage.

Bambi finally avenges mother… with an AK.

Stringent prostitution laws leave Jessica Rabbit without a street corner.

Casper the Ghost found with illicit Wendy pictures.

Mario and Luigi assault passersby with banana peels and turtles while smoking ‘shrooms.

Charlie’s kidney returned.

Police bust Malibu Dream House. Find meth lab.

Elmer Fudd jailed for poaching.

Dipsy vs. Tinky-Winky: “He hit me with his purse!”

Stewie takes over the world.

Phonebooth license laws burden Clark Kent with loitering and indecent exposure charges.

Jesus sues Easter Bunny: “He stole my act!”

Donald Duck banned in Finland for pantslessness.

Squarepants faces charges for crossing international boundary with pineapple. Claims he was moving.

Creationists sue Flintstones: “You lied to us!”

Judge tells Dora to seek professional help. Explorer continues to address fourth wall.

Rafiki finally goes around the bend.

Caaaaaaaarl kills people.

Caillou diagnosed: It’s terminal.

Barney’s kids initiate communist takeover.

Pinkie Pie totally f***ing loses it.

P.S.: One of the events above very nearly happened. Guess which one and you may be honored with eternal, intangible glory.