Photo Credit: Alison Myoraku

The SAT study guides will also adhere to these new standards, with practice fill-in-the-blank essays for students to use.

In a move being heralded as “cogent” and “magnanimous,” both the CollegeBoard and the ACT have decided to make their tests even more formulaic.

“We just want to make sure that on something like the essay, students do not try to answer the prompt in a creative or inventive manner, but rather by using one unified, arbitrary style,” said one CollegeBoard representative.  The ACT media manager echoed this sentiment, stating that “ingenuity is overrated.  We don’t need people trying to think of new ways to do things, things are done just fine now.  If you want to think differently, go become an artist or something. Hippy.”

To ensure that all test-takers adhere to this methodology, both testing agencies have decided to implement a fill-in-the blank essay instead of the standard one.  The essay will be pre-written, with certain words omitted, thus allowing the grading process to become even more  mechanical and detached.  Essays will include “How ____ Changed My Perspective on Life,” “Why _____ is a Metaphor for Modern Society,” and “The Effects of _____ on Geopolitical Shifts of the Current Era.”

Because of worries that students may attempt to use unconventional words in the blanks to make a heartfelt point, both the CollegeBoard and the ACT will be including a word bank for this new essay section.

In a similar twist, the two organizations have decided to dramatically revamp their mathematics section. Instead of the current sections with many different permutations of the exact same problems over and over, students will instead be expected to write down pi to 50 digits, e to 45 digits, and all of the sine values from 0 to 90 degrees.

As the CollegeBoard president, a man who makes his living crushing the dreams of children, explained: “We figured that since the current mathematics section was based entirely around bombarding students with lots of repetitive questions to ensure that they make simple errors, we might as well just require them to memorize these random facts, as they will be more useful than the ability to find the perimeter of three circles inside of a square, which is what we previously focused on.”

There were several complaints from the pizza industry about this example, as they are literally the only people who care about circles being put in squares.  Except maybe mathematicians, but nobody likes them.

Finally, the reading section will be removed from both standardized tests, as the agencies felt that it came far too close to critical thinking.  Instead, there will be a “connect the dots” section, which tests students’ ability to blindly follow directions, something both agencies agree is much more important than creativity.