Satire: Survive Valentine’s Day: Singles’ Edition
Valentine’s Day is a time for love and cheer with your significant other. Unfortunately, however, not everyone has someone with whom to share this day. We at the M-A Bear News feel your pain, so we’ve compiled a brief list of things to do when you’re single on Valentine’s Day.
1: Remind yourself that you’re a strong, independent person who doesn’t need anyone else to make you happy. Forget that you’re all alone and nobody loves you.
2: Go to the midnight showing of The Vow. There’ll be a lot of lonely singles there for sure – maybe you’ll meet someone as pathetic and desperate as you are!
3: Lie on your couch with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and gain 10 pounds.
4: Third-wheel your friends. If you can’t have a fun Valentine’s Day, no one can.
5: Third-wheel your parents. They’ll love you no matter what.
6: Play Cupid: run around and shoot people.
7: If you’re a guy, run around biting people and pretending you’re a sparkling vampire… you’re bound to pick up girls. If you’re a girl, just re-read the Twilight novels. You know you love them, and Jacob’s a babe.
8: Put Adele’s Someone Like You on repeat. Weep hysterically.
9: Send yourself roses and brag to everyone you have a secret admirer.
10: Who needs a boyfriend when you could have a “Boyfriend Pillow?”
11: Have your significant other (Mom) buy you chocolates.
12: Ponder the benefits of proud singlehood. You can still go on “Events And Adventures,” you won’t have to disable your Match.com account, and when Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” comes on, you can still “put your hands up in the club.”
13: But really, who’s single? The only reason people have yet to meet your special someone is because it’s a long-distance/uber-private/imaginary relationship!
14: There’s always Chat Roulette
15: You always have your siblings… jokes! (but not really… desperate times call for desperate measures)
16: Watch a steamy romantic comedy with your… cats.