Satire: Punny Puns Aplenty
Comics by Margaret Ringler
As an online news source, it’s M-A Bear News’ job to provide the readership with honest and timely news. Today’s news? Patrick Roisen, biology teacher at M-A, and the internet, cat joke provider extraordinaire (although as any veteran AP Bio student knows, Roisen is pretty set on that front as well), are really good at making puns. The pun is, to be exact, the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications; a play on words.
Just for funsies, if you dare, prepare to be pun-ished with some of the most delightful puns you’ve ever had a chance to hear. The pun-tential to laugh and cringe is about the same. Cringe or laugh too much? Feel free to talk about it in the comments below!
Plant Puns? Gotcha.
In Mr. Roisen’s class, if asked if he often told puns about plants, he replied “Yes, I wood. I don’t beat around the bush about plant puns, I can always think of tree or four of them off the top of my head. Once, a kid was fooling around in class and claimed to be board, so I rose from my seat, lumber-ed over to where he was sitting, and bark-ed at him that “If you don’t like biology, you can can leaf!” The student tried to branch off into a different topic, but by stick-ing to him, I quickly got to the root of the problem. It turned out he was from Oak-lahoma, and was worried that his dad maple him out of school and move back since his dad was pine-ing fortheir hometown. ”Bud,” I told him, “Read my tulips: stem your tears, they’re fruitless. The anther to your problem may be a bit knotty, but you can bring peas to your family situation if you tell your dad to wait until Octuber. That will give your dad thyme to get over his melon-choly, especially if you tell him some corn-y jokes. Keep an eye on him initially, in case he goes crazy and tries to put a pistil on you, but soon he’ll con-seed that staying here in the Sequoia district will let you bloom as a student, something he should want since he’s responsible for raisin you. So, straighten your spine, don’t be lily-livered, spruce yourself up, and go talk to him. If he gives a fig about you, he’ll realize you’re not trying to bamboo-zle him or make him fir-ious.” (all genius here from Roisen himself)
Weather/Environment Puns? That too.
-Hopefully, they won’t give you the cold shoulder, that wouldn’t be cool, because then you couldn’t chill there.
-What did the glacier say to global warming? “You crack me up bro!”
-”How are your exam results?” “They’re under water.” “What?” “Below C level!”
-Hey girl, what’s your sine? It must be pi/2 because you are the1.
-When chemists die we Barium.
-What’s a British nuclear scientist’s favorite snack? Fission chips.
-When she told me I was average she was just being mean.
-Reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Food Puns- omnomnom
-Why does the baker go to work? He kneads the dough.
-I found this great Chinese restaurant. They make everything just Tso.
-This girl said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club, but I’d never seen herbivore.
-”Why did you order the biggest steak on the menu?” “Honestly, it was a miSTEAK.”
A Surprising Amount of Battery Puns
-Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
-What did the depleted battery say to the judge? “Feel free to charge me.”
-I gave my dead batteries away. Free of charge, of course.
-Where do successful waterfowl go underwear shopping? Victorious egret! (This joke is just fowl.)
-What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Poor Taste Puns
-Changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
-A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-When songwriters die, they de-compose.
Rather Truthful Puns
-Stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-Didn’t like my beard much, but it grew on me.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns, but it was really just a play on words.
Puns That Resist Categorization
-Darth Vader still single. He kept looking in Alderaan places.
-Russia was slow to recover after WWII. It kept Stalin around.
-Need an ark? I Noah guy.
-The hipster burnt his mouth because he ate the pizza before it was cool.
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