Satire: Why California is the Bee’s Knees
Ahem. So, California is the absolute best. Like, really.
Sorry I couldn’t think of a better opening; there were some gnarly waves on my way surfing to school and my mind hasn’t really caught up with me yet. I might need to go zen it up on my yoga mat and enjoy some non-fat granola with my soy espresso latte. Maybe later though. For now, I’ve got a bone to pick with the rest of the nation.
It’s come to my attention, via the Huffington Post (HuffPo), that the rest of America has grown weary of California and its progressive ways. Apparently our winter days and California gurls are just too hot to handle, and the rest of the US wants to shun away the state with, oh, only the happiest place on the planet: Disneyland.
But hey America, that’s your choice. After all, you don’t need freshly grown produce or organic dairy products in the months of the year where you can’t grow your own. I suppose you don’t really want the variety that we have to offer without our diverse crops and population. I guess also that you guys have plenty of your own bees to pollinate your plants. Oh, wait…
We’re called the Golden State for a reason. We’ve got a rich history built upon the work of many, and we’re continuing on the tradition with our Golden Hollywood stars. Speaking of which, we’ve got Hollywood, city of stars; Los Angeles, city of angels; San Francsisco, city of cold tourists in shorts; and San Diego, city of beaches and shopping.
This all might sound superficial, but where else are you going to find what California has to offer? Heck, it’s even easy to find California itself! The only time I’ve been able to find Wyoming on a map is when my eighth grade teacher threatened death if I didn’t pass my states test. No offense, Wyoming. We have nothing against the Equality State.
As much as we like equality, we like another “e” word as well: economy. Silicon Valley is driving forth the nation with technological advances whilst promoting job and business growth. Our state GDP is larger than Canada’s. Where’s the bad part in that, eh? First we got the money, then we got the power, now we’ve got the…Apple products. Y’all know you loves ya iProducts. And Google, the world’s threshold guardian to knowledge these days, is right smack dab here!
And smack dab here we’ve got the Sierra Nevadas, the Pacific Coastline, the palm dotted oases, and the Redwood Forests. We can ski, bike, camp, surf, swim, rock climb, hang-glide, para-sail, SCUBA dive, use ATVs, and, the most strenuous of all, tan. Spoiler alert for any California newbies out there, though: the Pacific is COLD.
And—sorry to you other states out there—California is respected by those around the world a little more than America as a whole. Seriously, say you’re a Californian rather than an American. Unless they’re screaming conservatives, they’ll be happy to have you around! Especially if you answer the most frequently asked question: yes, girls wear “bikinis on top” to school.
In fact, it’s great to be able to prove or disprove the California stereotype. Everyone is bleached blond with fake tatas or gigundo muscles, who surfs and smokes weed while constantly obsessing over health. I mean, maybe not always a pleasant person all in all, but a bit better than drunken orange people…? (Just kidding Jersey; we’ll always love you for the Sopranos)
In all seriousness though, California is an influential state to the rest of the nation, both culturally and politically. We’re often mocked by others for being “hippies” and and any combination of liberal-socialist you can imagine, but we value our population and at least try to provide for them as best we can. I love being a member of a caring, interesting state, and even if I move later in life I’ll always consider myself a Californian.
So, people who participated in that poll, my conclusion:
Y’ALLS JUS JEALOUS.