Satire: David Perez: Equation Solved

Photo Credit: Eric Snyder

David giving a camera "the seduction stare."

David Perez is not your average math prodigy. At first glance he looks more like a “model” or “athlete,” though the school knows him as “the guy who did algebra in, like, 3rd grade.” Former teachers describe him as “wonderful” or “a pleasure to have in the class,” until they grow jealous of his wisdom surpassing their own and simply let him teach himself.

Before he entered kindergarten, David already grasped the concept of multiplication and division. He had spent his preschool days practicing times tables, which, according to David, “simply came natural[ly].” As close friend Eric Snyder said, “David Perez knew advanced math when I was still wetting the bed on a regular basis.”
Remember those infamous “mad minutes” from elementary school? Those one-sided sheets of paper with seemingly endless addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division problems in which one would only have a minute to complete? David used to do those in 30 seconds for an “adrenaline rush.”
Theories have developed over the years as to how David has had so much success in the math department. Contrary to popular belief, he does not actually spend his leisure time doing four digit multiplication in his head; despite some misconceptions, he is, indeed, a human being. David simply proves that hard work and a desire to learn go a long way. David started math before most enrolled in preschool, learning challenging math concepts from his father.

David Perez is currently taking AP Calculus BC and AP Statistics as a sophomore and is on track to complete all the math M-A has to offer this year. In his words, David is quadruply advanced for his grade level; we didn’t even understand what “quadruple” meant until he explained it.

In the future, David hopes to use his math forte to not only seduce women, but to attend a prestigious university and receive a degree in engineering. “I think a lot of my interest in engineering stems from the fact that my dad would always build structures out of blocks and I would replicate them,” reflected David.

David defies the typical nerd stereotype with not only his “mathlete” persona, but his ability to woo the ladies.

“Yeah, I know a lot of girls who would die for a candlelit dinner with the dreamy David Perez, including myself,” remarks admirer sophomore Zoe Pacalin. Fellow sophomore Ruth McGee later related “Yeah, I would leave Caleb [O'Neel] any day for DP, was that even a real question?”

According to a poll conducted among the three girls we were brave enough to talk to, 66% of the girls would love a date with David (the other 33% made fun of us and walked away laughing). “Well technically it would be 66.66 bar,” commented the always-cynical David, upon seeing the statistics. “Before he left me to pursue higher levels of math, the times I spent as [David's] girlfriend were the happiest of my life,” said his heartbroken ex-geometry textbook, “until he solved all my problems and left me for that promiscuous skank pre-calc book.”

David’s intellectual potential can not be summed up in a mere few paragraphs, nor can his romantic lifestyle. But from the example he sets, one can view success in its purest form and understand the power of dedication and intellectual interest (along with some good looks). You can’t put a number on achievement, but one can certainly attach to it the studly mind and equally studly body of David Perez.