Satire: Justice Kennedy Actually a Nudist
Information has surfaced that sheds new light on the Supreme Court’s ruling to allow strip searches in the case of any and all arrests: Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is a nudist.
The Supreme Court decision, announced on Monday, April 3, bestows upon local law enforcement the power to conduct strip-searches on people detained for offenses ranging from traffic violations to petty theft. The officer merely needs to suspect that the detainee is in possession of contraband. The Court’s ruling was split 5-to-4, a clean division between liberals and conservatives.
Kennedy, who headed the five conservative Justices in their Monday decision, stated his strong faith in the ability of law enforcement officers to determine when strip-searches would be necessary. The courts, federal or otherwise, “are in no position to second-guess the judgments of correctional officers,” he told the The New York Times.
In addition to betraying a clear disregard for the Fourth and Fifth Amendments, Justice Kennedy’s statements in support of strip-searches also reveal his own self-confidence in his body.
According to the Political Rumor Mill, Justice Kennedy has a long-ish history of baring his legally sworn-in flesh and parading around in all his glory.
A Rumor Mill spokesperson also stated, “For all we know, under his robes, Justice Kennedy could be completely naked.”
“He actually is completely naked, most of the time,” said Justice Stephen G. Breyer, author of the court’s dissenting opinion.
Fellow dissenter Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg agreed. “His robes are like a hospital gown; they just tie in the back. It’s all for show.”
Federal financial records show that every robe (or half-robe, for that matter) Justice Kennedy has worn since 1988 has been lined with Ahimsa peace silk, a yearly expenditure of $1,100. Additionally, all rooms in the Supreme Court Building are heated to a minimum temperature of 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Justice Elena Kagan stated, “Anything cooler would hurt his pride.”
Justice Kennedy’s comfort with his body explains his adamant stance that detainees ought to stand unclothed in front of prison guards. After all, when else would be a better time to be proud of one’s figure than completely exposed in front of burly men with batons? You’ll only be able to work that orange jumpsuit if you feel good about the bod underneath.
In the decision, Justice Kennedy made sure to state that strip-searches are not legally mandated, but shall be conducted should correction officers wish to see a detainee naked and deliciously vulnerable.
Officer Russell Voyeur, when telephoned to ask what his opinion on the issue was, panted something incoherently and sweatily and went back to clearing his Internet history.
Justice Kennedy could not be contacted for comment, as he was too busy running through the Great Hall of the Justice Building hollering, “YOLO!”
Since the Monday ruling, several arrests have been made throughout the United States. One young man who was arrested for walking through his neighborhood after curfew was detained by police and searched for contraband. Officers found a bag of Skittles on the boy and are still debating whether it was planted there.