Satire: “Tonight, honey?” “No, I’m having an abortion.”

Photo Credit: Procter & Gamble. Red additions by Madeline Drace.

No more euphemisms. A period is an abortion.

Arizona state legislators discovered a loophole that will win their state the title of Abortion Capital of the World, an honor which comes after the clever realization that a baby’s existence does not have to start at conception.

H.B. 2036, which Governor Jan Brewer signed into law on Friday, forbids aborting fetuses more than twenty weeks in gestational age, which the bill defines as, “the age of the unborn child as calculated from the first day of the last menstrual period of the pregnant woman,” up to two weeks before conception.

Although the bill still defines pregnancy as “a female reproductive condition of having a developing unborn child in the body and that still begins with conception,” the new definition of gestational age technically could render a woman pregnant even before she boffs her baby daddy.

This then raises the question: if an unborn child is thought to be so important as to be as old as the egg from which it arises, aren’t all eggs just as valuable?

In Arizona, abortion will cease to mean the just termination of a pregnancy and will instead signify the cruel murder of any egg that had the potential to grow into a bawling, defecating bundle of joy and liability. Every period a woman has will be an abortion.

Arizona’s abortion bill only gives the guise of restricting abortion. What it’s actually done is made it statistically possible and inevitable for Arizona to have even more abortions than it did. Arizona has about 1,448,441 female citizens of fertile age, between the ages of 12 and 44. Of those women, 405,563 (28%) are on the pill. That leaves 1,042,877 women who menstruate more or less regularly. Those women, collectively, have 12,514,524 periods per year.

That means that 12,514,524 potentially viable eggs are discarded during “those delightful few days she has.” 12,514,524 potential, microscopic half-babies are brutally slaughtered, a tragedy only ameliorated by huge amounts of Ben & Jerry’s.

Arizona’s abortions will swamp any other state, even the United States as a whole in past years. In 2008, 1,211,500 abortions were reported; California stood as the top procurer with 214,190.

Arizona’s number would dwarf even China, which had an estimated 6,111,375 abortions in 2009.

The slogan for Always pads on Arizona billboards will be changed to, “Have a happy abortion.” Copies of American Girl’s The Care and Keeping of You sold in Arizona will have to be reprinted to include a chapter on abortions: your first one, what products are best to use, and why you shouldn’t feel embarrassed when it catches you off-guard or when you get yours before all of your friends. Last year’s Got Milk? ads will reappear throughout Phoenix declaring dairy’s panacea for pre-abortional syndrome.

It’s only a matter of time before Arizona’s treatment of eggs extends to encompass sperm as well. Then the numbers will be truly astounding.