Satire: Students Grieving After Senior Lot Massacre

Nolan Martin

Nolan Martin

Students mourned yesterday after a tragic accident in the parking lot killed nearly a quarter of Menlo-Atherton’s student body.

At approximately 3:17 PM, an unidentified student attempted to make a left turn out of the senior lot into traffic to exit onto Ringwood after noticing the lack of any campus supervisors or administrators redirecting traffic.  Traveling at speeds in excess of 3 miles per hour, the student struck a number of vehicles and caused a chain reaction of fender-benders, ultimately culminating in the unfortunate deaths of hundreds of M-A parents and student drivers.  The accident clogged the otherwise efficient flow of traffic from the parking lot into Ringwood for hours as emergency crews struggled to maneuver their golf carts into the tangle of crushed metal and glass.  Meanwhile, campus security inspected windshields to ensure each vehicle in the horrible accident had affixed to it a current 2012-2013 parking permit and issued fines and citations accordingly.

First to arrive on the scene after the accident was Karl Losekoot, an Administrative Vice Principal who had been assigned the daily duty of directing students leaving the senior lot to turn right, mainly to prevent accidents just like this one.  “I really feel terrible that I wasn’t able to make it to the parking lot on time,” said Losekoot.  “On my way to the senior lot I passed a young lady who was wearing shorts that clearly exposed more than the mid-thigh; I had no option but to stop and tell her to cover up before the end of the day.”

Tragic as the accident may be, students and staff are recovering quickly, citing smaller class sizes and less congestion during dismissal.  Losekoot added, “At least I’ll be able to rest easy tonight knowing that there will be one fewer pair of booty shorts on campus to worry about tomorrow.”

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6 Responses to “Satire: Students Grieving After Senior Lot Massacre”

  1. Ben Wiener on October 16th, 2012 6:02 pm

    What a terrible tragedy. We’ll need a lot of school assemblies to talk about our feelings to get over this one.

  2. mrichardson on October 16th, 2012 7:45 pm

    Thank you for bringing up this issue, it’s more serious than anyone gives credit to and it warms my heart to see some one bring it up.

  3. alai on October 16th, 2012 7:46 pm

    This is just too bad, but at least it’ll be easier to get out of the parking lot now! lots on the bright side.

  4. Anna on October 18th, 2012 10:39 pm

    such a calamity.

  5. amacfarlane on October 18th, 2012 11:04 pm

    It is amazing the magnitude of events that can occur at M-A without my noticing. I did notice that many of my classes were smaller than usual, but I assumed everybody was engaged in standardized testing. I think it is a testament to the academic dedication of M-A’s student population that nearly a quarter of the student body was in the parking lot by 3:17. Thank you for this enlightening and tragic article.

  6. whanley on October 22nd, 2012 3:11 pm

    I was laughing for five minutes after I read this. Nice job Nolan. I really enjoy your sense of humor to no end.