Satire: A Mitt Romney Presidency: All Business

Nicky Hug

Ben Wiener

Mitt Romney has often been praised this election cycle for his business experience and expertise, and how this could translate into him being an effective leader when it comes to the economy and fiscal issues. In keeping with this sentiment, Romney has announced some changes he would make to the White House and the federal government in general should he become president.

First and foremost, the first Friday of each month will be known as casual Friday at the White House. “White House workers will be welcome to wear a t-shirt and jeans to work on casual Friday, or if they choose, a Hawaiian shirt,” Romney said, adding, “I think this will create a relaxed and comfortable work environment.”

Romney also announced several changes to some of the titles and roles of key White House staff members. The Press Secretary’s title would be changed to Director of Marketing. Romney stated that the Director of Marketing’s first task would be to initiate a rebranding of the White House through an innovative ad campaign using guerilla marketing and social media platforms.

“It’s clear our customers have lost faith in the White House and the American government in general,” Romney said, “which is why I think a new ad campaign will be a useful tool in restoring the faith our customers once had in this company. We’ve been the United States of America for too long now, which is why I will be rebranding this company with the name Democracy Corp. We bring democracy to you. We have already filed for patents on democracy and liberty, two business strategies that will be key for Democracy Corp.”

In addition to the new title for the White House press secretary and the country, Romney announced that his title would not be president, but rather CEO of Democracy Corp. “I feel that the president of a company is often just a figure head,” he said, “the CEO is really who is leading the company.” Romney also announced he would no longer refer to his group of advisers as his cabinet, but rather as the Board of Directors.

In addition to these title changes, Romney stated that he would take the role of Democracy Corp. in a different direction. Should it become necessary, Romney stated he would not rule out the option of a merger with another country. “I think Canada would be first, my friends,” Romney said, “it’s been nothing more than this country’s hat for a long time, and I feel the best option for both organizations would be to create one unified body. I think a merger would be the best way to eliminate our competition from the north, as they have been encroaching on our business model for quite a while now.”

In addition to these mergers, Romney also stated that in order to cut costs, he would begin outsourcing members of congress to other countries, such as China and India.  “Simply put, workers in China and India are willing to work for a lot less, so it only makes sense to start outsourcing senators and representatives there,” Romney said of this decision.  “Sending these jobs to China and India would simply be what’s best for the company and our customers.”

Along with mergers and outsourcing, Romney stated he would start integrating “dynamic crowd sourcing technology strategies with the use of social media” to improve his policy making. When asked for a few specific policy ideas he had, Romney responded with one word: “Synergy.”

“With these changes,” Romney said, “I feel that we will be able to bring back many disenchanted customers to this once great corporation. These new ideas for Democracy Corp. will promote great connectivity among the branches of the government, and help us to produce a great product for our customers.” When asked what product he was referring to, Romney declined to comment.

Print Friendly

Facebook Comments

Comments

7 Responses to “Satire: A Mitt Romney Presidency: All Business”

  1. egrose on October 18th, 2012 4:48 pm

    This satire is hilarious! While it can be helpful in some aspects, I think that business experience on its own does not provide an extremely large advantage to a U.S. president, as there are many more important factors.

  2. Nolan Martin on October 18th, 2012 8:32 pm

    I’m looking forward to the synergy and dynamism that Romney will bring to the table. He’ll be the candidate that redefines our country as a world class, state-of-the-art role model for others to follow.

  3. David Schmitt on October 19th, 2012 4:53 pm

    I’m very excited that Romney’s ‘foremost’ priorty is to bring casual Fridays to the White House! I think everyone is a bit too tense, so maybe a more relaxed approach would help.

  4. Nhug on October 23rd, 2012 4:34 pm

    I’m hoping that Romeny, as CEO of Democracy Corp, will be able to make the tough decisions such as downsizing the corporation for the better good of the whole such as cutting out weak states that are just pulling down the country as a whole.

  5. josephrabinovitsj on October 25th, 2012 10:12 pm

    Lets just hope that as CEO of Democracy Corp Mitt Romney devotes many precious binders to women. A company can only run effectively if it has binders of women. But of course Mitt knows that already

  6. amacfarlane on October 26th, 2012 9:33 pm

    Sending the House overseas doesn’t sound like that bad a plan… Just as long as its members don’t start bothering some poor European country, everybody has enough concerns as it is.

  7. adeal on December 14th, 2012 3:52 pm

    This might be my favorite satire we have ever written. Thanks for the (repeated) entertainment guys!