Satire: Admin Unlocks Secret of Time Travel

Joseph Rabinovitsj

Joseph Rabinovitsj

This afternoon, like every afternoon, I mindlessly strolled out of my house to my mailbox to get my mail. I expected to find the usual collection of bills, magazines, and Netflix videos. I could never have expected how much today’s mail run would change my life, history, and the very fabric of the universe as we know it.

When I re-entered my house and began to skim through the mail, I saw an envelope from M-A addressed to my parents. I assumed that it was the quarterly grade report so I opened the envelope. After pulling out the report, the words “Q1 Quarter Reporting Card” caught my eye. Naturally, I figured that it was referring to this past quarter. How naive of me.

I then saw four red numbers that changed everything: “2011.” I had just traveled back in time.

All I remember was a flash of the red numbers, a whirring sensation, and a glimpse of the blue tube at the beginning of Dr. Who episodes when I first time traveled. Suddenly I came to my senses and saw that the TV was on, presenting a strange yet familiar face, like one of an old, long-lost friend. It took me a moment to realize that it was Ron Paul, giving a speech back when he thought he had a shot at winning the primaries. It had really happened, I was back in 2011.

After a few minutes of being in 2011, during which I could live in fear of Osama Bin Laden’s plots to attack the United States with brief intervals of relief that the world had another year to exist, I saw the blue Dr. Who tube again and I was back in 2012.

The first thought that crossed my mind upon returning to 2012 was how M-A could have unraveled the mystery of time travel. Did they stumble upon it accidentally? Has this been a top-secret project in the works for a while? How many people knew about it? Was it just the lower administrators? or was this a project that went all the way up to Zito? I had too many questions. I needed answers.

I immediately rushed over to M-A, ran into the Administration office, and slammed my time-portal report card on Ms. Kennel’s desk and asked “how?”

Ms. Kennel looked back at me and said coolly  “M-A pride can MAke the impossible possible.”

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6 Responses to “Satire: Admin Unlocks Secret of Time Travel”

  1. zpacalin on November 6th, 2012 3:50 pm

    i was really surprised this happened…i did not even know they kept these old progress reports on file. i think confusion was wide spread!

  2. jacob pfau on November 6th, 2012 7:52 pm

    Joseph Rabinovitsj up to his usual shenanigans trying to hide his grades from his parents….

    David Schmitt Reply:

    I’m on board with this, Jacob. I smell a conspiracy on Joseph’s part.

  3. bwiener on November 6th, 2012 8:42 pm

    I’m definitely going to have to speak with someone in the administration and try to get their secret to time travel. Such a secret could be very advantageous in many facets of life.

  4. sgoodman on November 9th, 2012 8:02 pm

    what a baffling phenominon! i hope the administration releases their secret to time travel to the government

  5. Katie Gaherty on November 14th, 2012 8:56 pm

    Haha they really know how to get people confused… Joseph clearly was mislead by this mysterious incident.