Satire: Harvard Admission Rate To Drop To Zero

Photo Credit: Ben Wiener

Each applicant to Harvard this year will receive a similar letter in the mail.

In an apparent attempt to bolster its reputation as an extremely exclusive school, Harvard University has announced that it will deny entrance to every applicant this year.

“The university felt that this would be in its best interests, as we have a reputation to maintain as a very exclusive campus,” said Margaret Smith, head admissions officer at Harvard.  Smith still urged students to apply, stating that the school could still use the money raised in application fees.  “Our endowment has taken quite a hit in these tough economic times, falling to just below 32 billion dollars,” Smith added, “and we could really use the revenue from the application filing fees.”

Many students applying to Harvard have been less than pleased to hear this news.  “I’m really upset about this decision,” said current high school senior Tom Kelly, “I’ve been preparing for my Harvard application since the third grade.  All those hours I’ve spent feeding homeless people now mean nothing.  I’ve also woken up  at midnight to row crew every morning for the past ten years.  Now what’s all that good for? Nothing.”  However, Kelly’s views on Harvard’s recent decision weren’t all negative, stating, “honestly, this new level of exclusivity just makes the school even more attractive to me.  I like a place with that low of an acceptance rate.  I’ll just feel good knowing that nobody else will get in there either.”

If all goes well with this new plan of not accepting any students, Harvard has stated that it may consider un-enrolling some current students, so that the school can claim a negative percentage of accepted students.  “That way we’ll really be able to maintain our exclusive reputation,” Smith added. “That’s all that matters.”