Harvard Admission Rate To Drop To Zero

Ben Wiener

Ben Wiener

In an apparent attempt to bolster its reputation as an extremely exclusive school, Harvard University has announced that it will deny entrance to every applicant this year.

“The university felt that this would be in its best interests, as we have a reputation to maintain as a very exclusive campus,” said Margaret Smith, head admissions officer at Harvard.  Smith still urged students to apply, stating that the school could still use the money raised in application fees.  “Our endowment has taken quite a hit in these tough economic times, falling to just below 32 billion dollars,” Smith added, “and we could really use the revenue from the application filing fees.”

Many students applying to Harvard have been less than pleased to hear this news.  “I’m really upset about this decision,” said current high school senior Tom Kelly, “I’ve been preparing for my Harvard application since the third grade.  All those hours I’ve spent feeding homeless people now mean nothing.  I’ve also woken up  at midnight to row crew every morning for the past ten years.  Now what’s all that good for? Nothing.”  However, Kelly’s views on Harvard’s recent decision weren’t all negative, stating, “honestly, this new level of exclusivity just makes the school even more attractive to me.  I like a place with that low of an acceptance rate.  I’ll just feel good knowing that nobody else will get in there either.”

If all goes well with this new plan of not accepting any students, Harvard has stated that it may consider un-enrolling some current students, so that the school can claim a negative percentage of accepted students.  “That way we’ll really be able to maintain our exclusive reputation,” Smith added. “That’s all that matters.”

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7 Responses to “Harvard Admission Rate To Drop To Zero”

  1. Robbie Gordan on December 13th, 2012 3:39 pm

    They should probably change their application to just one question: do we have a building named after your parents?

  2. Nolan Martin on December 13th, 2012 8:59 pm

    It’s great to see a school going out of its way to preserve its reputation. Sure, a few kids might be denied, but that number is small compared to the number of graduates who rely on Harvard to maintain an exclusive reputation.

  3. Hannah Ellefritz on December 14th, 2012 1:38 am

    This is a very good idea on Harvard’s part. The next step for them is sending letters to students that haven’t even applied and telling them that they’re not interested and that the student does not have what the qualities of a Harvard student. This way, they can effectively ruin dreams before they were even created!

  4. Will Hanley on December 14th, 2012 2:52 pm

    Keyword: preservation. If Harvard doesn’t preserve the precious minds of today, there is no need for the minds of tomorrow! Harvard knows what they’re doing.

  5. adeal on December 14th, 2012 3:57 pm

    Way to lighten up the stress surrounding all of the decisions being released this week. Nice job guys.

  6. mrichardson on December 17th, 2012 2:25 pm

    No wonder i didn’t get in! classic Harvard, gotta love em.

  7. Nicky H on December 18th, 2012 7:50 pm

    I agree with the senior quoted, this only makes Harvard a much more attractive option. I wonder what other top-tier universities will do to try and compete with this new 0% acceptance rate.