M-A’s New Restroom Policy Awaits School Board Approval

Source: Nolan Martin

Nolan Martin

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M-A administration and custodial staff have been waiting in anticipation of what could be a landmark decision by the school board regarding M-A’s restroom policy.  To learn more about the new policy, I interviewed Principal Matthew Zito.

Nolan Martin: “So, Mr. Zito, give me a rough overview of what this new restroom policy entails.”

Matthew Zito: “Well Nolan, I have to give you a little background first.  Cleaning up the state of our restrooms has been a crucial part of my plan for M-A.  After seeing the condemning results from the recent WASC survey of students, it became clear that it was time to make a move.  We ran an experiment of sorts; as you probably have noticed, we have been locking certain restrooms during the course of each school day.  The custodial staff and I have made a significant discovery: defilement of the restrooms is significantly reduced when they are locked.  We identified the key cause of wear and tear on our restrooms: usage.  The new plan addresses this by closing down the restrooms at M-A.  If the plan successfully passes through the school board, we will give the bathrooms a final clean in a week or so and then lock them down after a quick photo-op for our school brochures.”

NM: “Don’t you think it’s a little unethical to refuse to provide facilities for kids who will be here for so many hours of the day?”

MZ: “You know, you aren’t the first person to mention concerns about ethics.  I’ve been toying with an idea, and I stress that at this point this is just an idea.  Essentially, I’ve been thinking of offering single-use restroom passes at the student store for something like $20 or so.  We view the restrooms as a strictly aesthetic aspect of the campus; anyone who tries to use them as functional facilities ought to pay a fee.  For our tenured faculty members, we will most likely offer a 25% discount, giving teachers a bargain deal at $15 per flush.

NM: “What does this mean for the school budget?”

MZ: “This is where our proposed plan really shines.  With the new fees, we’re planning on significant profit increases as well as savings on our water bill.”

NM: “Sounds like a real winner!”

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4 Responses to “M-A’s New Restroom Policy Awaits School Board Approval”

  1. Anon on January 10th, 2013 8:33 pm

    Wow, that’s pretty ballsy article.

  2. amacfarlane on January 11th, 2013 9:59 pm

    Though presented as a satire, if we wait a few years this may actually be school policy. Though I might be inclined to suspect that the staff restroom discount would disappear with tenure. It is a travesty the extent to which teachers are overpaid and overvalued in American society, to give them restroom discounts would really be pushing the envelope.

  3. bwiener on January 15th, 2013 7:41 pm

    Wait, is this real? I can’t believe this!

    Nolan Martin Reply:

    Shocking, isn’t it?

M-A’s New Restroom Policy Awaits School Board Approval