Satire: M-A’s New Restroom Policy Awaits School Board Approval
M-A administration and custodial staff have been waiting in anticipation of what could be a landmark decision by the school board regarding M-A’s restroom policy. To learn more about the new policy, I interviewed Principal Matthew Zito.
Nolan Martin: “So, Mr. Zito, give me a rough overview of what this new restroom policy entails.”
Matthew Zito: “Well Nolan, I have to give you a little background first. Cleaning up the state of our restrooms has been a crucial part of my plan for M-A. After seeing the condemning results from the recent WASC survey of students, it became clear that it was time to make a move. We ran an experiment of sorts; as you probably have noticed, we have been locking certain restrooms during the course of each school day. The custodial staff and I have made a significant discovery: defilement of the restrooms is significantly reduced when they are locked. We identified the key cause of wear and tear on our restrooms: usage. The new plan addresses this by closing down the restrooms at M-A. If the plan successfully passes through the school board, we will give the bathrooms a final clean in a week or so and then lock them down after a quick photo-op for our school brochures.”
NM: “Don’t you think it’s a little unethical to refuse to provide facilities for kids who will be here for so many hours of the day?”
MZ: “You know, you aren’t the first person to mention concerns about ethics. I’ve been toying with an idea, and I stress that at this point this is just an idea. Essentially, I’ve been thinking of offering single-use restroom passes at the student store for something like $20 or so. We view the restrooms as a strictly aesthetic aspect of the campus; anyone who tries to use them as functional facilities ought to pay a fee. For our tenured faculty members, we will most likely offer a 25% discount, giving teachers a bargain deal at $15 per flush.
NM: “What does this mean for the school budget?”
MZ: “This is where our proposed plan really shines. With the new fees, we’re planning on significant profit increases as well as savings on our water bill.”
NM: “Sounds like a real winner!”