Satire: Admin Sets Priorities Straight: Illegal Panini Ring Busted
Just when administrators thought that their hands were full with parking permit fines and the Walk Your Wheels campaign, Wednesday, January 30, 2013, at precisely 1:09 PM, Administrative Vice Principal Simone Rick-Kennel encountered one of the most disturbing sights in her career. As she passed by six students shooting heroin while bullying some passing freshmen, she caught a number of senior boys red-handed. Surrounding a table covered in assorted meats, breads, cheeses, and panini presses, the boys were initiating their sinister plan to host a cookout on the green while exhibiting impressive morality and having intellectual discussion. She called the proper authorities and the culprits were whisked away for interrogation.
While under investigation, the young men were not easily broken and stuck to the same cover story. “We just wanted to make sandwiches,” they all said. “Our right to a delicious lunch is being trampled on by this oppressive regime; it is time for a new dawn of hot food that comes from real ingredients, not the Speedway.”
Rick-Kennel, though still recovering from shock, continued to patrol the halls to quell any attempts at rebellion from the student body. We were able to catch her for a quick interview. “This whole thing is being blown out of proportion,” she said, “I’m just trying to do my job. These seniors threatened my campus today. Uncooked bacon? That is a biohazard. A hot panini grill? That is a third-degree burn waiting to happen. Students cannot go around cooking food with dangerous implements whenever they choose. For goodness sake, we don’t even allow nontenured teachers to use the stove in the staff lounge! There needs to be a staff supervisor present at all times. High school students tend to forget how dumb they are; they cannot be trusted with these items, let alone common utensils. I hope that I never have to encounter such a scene again during my career as an administrator. Perhaps the seniors forgot that the Speedway offers turkey and spicy chicken sandwiches daily. These young men clearly had no PRIDE in their school, and therefore I was not going to allow them to M-Ake any sandwiches.”
Rick-Kennel left us with a closing statement: “We really try to be pretty lenient with our students here. Want to get in a fight? Go ahead. Do it twice if you want to. We’re only going to expel you if you get into three or more fights. Third time’s the charm, as they say. But some offenses are inexcusable. Thinking it might be a good idea to leave class without a pass or cook food on campus? Absolutely not. Not even once.”
In the aftermath of this incident, the school board scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss policies to deal with any similar incidents in the future. Chris Thomsen, President of the SUHSD School Board, summarized the results of the meeting. “After a six-hour study session into the nature of sandwich making and its effect on the average high school student’s brain, we have decided to uphold our ban on all panini related gatherings pending further investigation. We have voted to provide funding for a multi-million dollar study into the issue. We will commission a team to travel on a fact-finding tour of Italy to learn about the history of grilled sandwiches before coming to a decision.”
While we were talking to Thomsen, we had one final question that he had difficulty answering. “Unfortunately, because of the costly nature of this upcoming study, we are putting Operation Clean Restrooms on the back burner for the time being. Perhaps those boys should have thought twice about their actions.”