Satire: M-A Student Protests New Addition to Existing Ordinance
Following the court order enacted in Portland, ME, regarding the whistling habits of local man, Robert Smith, M-A Administration cracked down on students, enforcing a new ban on whistling while standing.
Smith, a resident of Portland, is known as The Whistler, as most days of the week he can be found whistling on the streets. However, numerous complaints have been filed against him for being distracting to the work environment.
To ensure that disturbances caused by loud, stationary whistlers would not plague the halls of M-A, as of Monday, February 25, the Administration has enforced a similar ruling, stating that “Students are prohibited to whistle while stationary.”
Until the termination of this year, the decree will only pertain to the act of whistling. However, next year the policy will also prohibit “humming, gurgling, singing, or making throaty noises above levels of 70 decibels.” The expanded policy, too, will only pertain to the stated behaviors being performed in an unchanged position.
Despite growing concern of the harm induced by whistling, it will not be banned altogether, as whistling may simply be an expression of happiness, with the potential to stimulate a more jovial campus environment.