Satire: Staff Movie Night Inadvertently Causes Helicopter Crash
Over the holiday break, many students and parents received a letter apologizing for the recent controversy between M-A High School and the neighboring Stanford Medical Center. Unfortunately, due to the recent school budget cuts combined with the recent markup of stamps, many students were not able to receive or review the letter in it’s entirety. Consequently, the Bear News has reprinted the letter for all students, parents, and other members of the M-A faculty who were a part of the list of “unnecessary recipients,” for whom the school did not wish to waste a stamp. The complete message is as follows:
“From the Desk of Principal M. Zito,
555 Middlefeild Road
Dear students, parents, and otherwise,
This weekend the entire administration, myself included, took part in our biweekly PAC movie night. For those who are unfamiliar with the event, it is when we hide in our cars until all of the janitors leave campus, sprint into the PAC, lock the doors, and watch movies on the projector until three in the morning. There’s an eVite and everything. It’s very professional. Anyways, last weekend we watched ‘Deck the Halls,’ a film focused on the life of a used car salesman and his lifelong dream to make his house visible from space using Christmas lights.
I’m not sure if it was because of the time of day, my popcorn overdose, or the fact that we had watched 'Terminator II' immediately prior, but something in that film inspired me. Something about the way Danny DeVito played this failed car salesman so vividly made me consider my own failed attempts at success. When I was younger, early-to-mid forties, I always had a dream, a goal. There was always something fueling me, pushing me to strive to be the very best I could be.This push always made me look towards a brighter future.
But these days, there doesn’t seem to be anything left to accomplish. There are almost zero fights on campus anymore, drugs have become almost nonexistent, and Senor Estrada is finally gone. Previous to that moment in the PAC, I had almost run out of fuel. But then it hit me. Let’s make our school visible from space!
I nudged Vice Principal Losekoot, who was, at that moment, dozing off into his hot fudge sundae. He quickly perked up when I told him about my idea. He agreed it was a fantastic next step for M-A to take, as the school had been teetering on the edge of the PRIDE red zone. Oh yeah, that exists.
Anyways, he and I both began to quickly order hundreds of Christmas lights from Amazon.com on our smartphones. The M-A Amazon account has Prime, so we were able to get free two day shipping. Amazon Prime is such a good deal. For only $79 a year, we get reduced prices and fast free shipping on hundreds of products, including Christmas lights.
Two days later, there they were. We counted 178 boxes full of industrial sized lights. We believe in total diversity at M-A, so we made sure to obtain all different colors, shapes, and sizes so as not to offend any one social or ethnic group. Over the next several days, we devised, blueprinted, and built the most amazing light structure and designs imaginable right on our very own PAC. Upon completing this massive project, we checked Google Earth and lo and behold, we, for the first time in high school history, were visible from space.
And at first, aside from the Foods and Nutrition class who claimed that the heat from the lights were overcooking their soufflées, (and lets be honest, those kids wouldn’t have cooked them properly anyways) everything was, as the kids say, “peachy keen.” But then, the unthinkable happened. On a foggy Thursday night, a helicopter mistook our light display as a helipad. But not just any helicopter, a Stanford Medical Center helicopter. Like, the kind that you fly on when you have a really serious injury. Yeah, those apparently exist too.
So now I’m in a bit of a jam. The hospital is, of course, furious that we endangered not one, but three lives like that. I, of course, retorted that their frustration was understandable but not in the spirit of Christmas and asked for a second chance as my Christmas wish. And that’s where we are now. So… that’s my story.”
As of today, the hospital has yet to accept or deny Principle Zito’s Christmas wish.