School-wide Taboo Leads To Lunchtime Uproar


Will Hanley

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On Wednesday, February 12, the gay-straight alliance conducted marriages out on the green during lunch. But of course, as anyone would have guessed, the event quickly got out of hand. While only about fifteen minutes into lunch, people began viciously advocating the marriage of inanimate objects.


When asked about the sudden increase of student-object sexuality, the president of the M-A Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA), Zoe Hafter-Manza stated, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We advocate equal rights to all persons. But in no way do we advocate the marriage of people and things. I love my tuba, but I’m not going to propose to the thing!”


But it was not long before members of the M-A Jazz Band did begin showing up with various instruments declaring their love and demanding for equal treatment and the right to be married on campus.


“My alto sax is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on,” says freshman Sophia Peters. “I am infatuated with every bit of it. It’s long, slender neck. It’s sexy shiny gleam. All of it. I demand the right to marry my saxophone!”


Indeed, when we saw the saxophone in question we were slightly aroused, confirming Peters’ previous statement.


Another student, senior Jackson Sheppard approached the alliance politely asking for the opportunity to marry a tree approximately fifty yards away. But again, the gay-straight alliance turned Sheppard away. Their excuse: the tree was supposedly “too far away” from where the marriages were being conducted.


“It’s just on the other side of the green!” declared Sheppard in a fit of sexual rage. “Do they expect me to carry the damn thing all the way over there?”


“If Jackson isn’t committed enough to carry that tree over here, then he isn’t committed enough for marriage,” retorted Hafter-Manza.


As students began chanting “Give us rights!”, campus aid Sam Stevens began to quickly defuse the uproar. However, upon learning that he could not marry his golf cart, Sam immediately joined in the students’ chant.

DISCLAIMER: In all seriousness, I am a strong advocate of same-sex marriage. I also appreciate the celebration of marriage that occurred at lunch on Wednesday. I just wanted to write a story where Sam marries his golf cart. Please don’t be offended.
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3 Responses to “School-wide Taboo Leads To Lunchtime Uproar”

  1. Jackson on February 20th, 2014 11:01 pm

    I refuse to live in oppression!

  2. jweiner on February 20th, 2014 11:50 pm

    They wouldn’t let me marry the idea of marriage itself… Something about not being able to “marry an abstract concept.” #discrimination

  3. czelaya on February 25th, 2014 11:27 am

    When will I finally be allowed to marry netflix and pizza???

School-wide Taboo Leads To Lunchtime Uproar