To: the Teacher With a Surfboard


From: Your Secret Admirer

Source: Joseph Rabinovitsj

Joseph Rabinovitsj

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To the teacher with a surfboard,


You probably don’t know me, but you have changed my life.


This morning, in the rain, I was questioning the nature of my existence: those profound questions like “why am I here?,” “why is the car in front of me stopping every five feet?,” “is the driver having a seizure or is he a midget and the block he taped to his foot keeps falling on the brake pedal?,” and “why am I at school instead of surfing?”


Through this drudgery, you came along, swept me up, and answered all of my questions… or at least your mad dope Volkswagen Type 2 and psychedelic surfboard did.


The sweet auburn hue of its paint-job, the radiance of the blue fiberglass, and the way your board’s leash was lackadaisically draped across your side with careless grace made me tingle with excitement — excitement ’cause I got totally stoked to shred some waves.


For the rest of the day I was all hot and bothered, fantasizing about you. I swooned in class with fantasies about that sick rasta-colored Nor Cal bumper sticker; where did you get it? where could I get one? does the glue damage your car’s clear-coat? So many thoughts ran through my mind, I thought I would explode during English class.


In physics, my darker desires broke from their tethers of chastity, the ones that I only let seep into my conscious mind in the wee hours of the night. These desires included titillating thoughts of me stealing your surfboard, riding its curving body through the ocean, but then totally returning it to you before school ends because I wouldn’t play a homie like that.


So, now I have borne you my soul, and it is yours to do with what you please (Jah feel?).


Yours truly,

Your secret admirer



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4 Responses to “

To: the Teacher With a Surfboard


From: Your Secret Admirer

  1. nsilverman on February 27th, 2014 12:03 am

    This is fantastic. Even more hilarious because Joe wrote it!

  2. dbalestra on March 6th, 2014 12:06 am

    I wonder if the Teacher with the Surfboard will ever reply…

  3. llobdell on March 6th, 2014 9:00 pm

    I laughed so much when I read this. It is such a unique and hilarious satire. I also wonder if the teacher will reply…?

  4. Mr. Stuart on March 7th, 2014 1:19 pm

    Dear student with the camera,

    I don’t know you, but thank you for letting me change your life.

    Every morning as I ponder the nature of my existence, I come to one conclusion: I am at school instead of surfing to change lives such as yours.

    Through this drudgery, I enforce electronic device violations and answer questions such as, “Can I go to the bathroom?” with ease. I would do this on my psychedelic surfboard, but I’m afraid that’d be too much awesome for the students to handle.

    Seeing the lights flicker in the eyes of my students, the radiance of each beatific smile, and the lackadaisical attitudes become resolved, I get totally stoked to teach.

    Even when it’s hot and I’m bothered by flies, I imagine the lives I am changing.

    When I find myself in the darkest hours of self-doubt, I break free by reading articles such as yours and my conscious mind returns to school.

    I thank you for the offer of your soul, but I deal strictly in coffee.

    Yours truly,
    A Teacher

To: the Teacher With a Surfboard


From: Your Secret Admirer