Satire: M-A Bags Heads of Attractive Students for Distraction-Free Learning

Photo Credit: Annalise Deal

At the end of the year, students must return their bags to the Treasurers office or risk paying $75 for a replacement.

Menlo-Atherton High School recently added a section to their dress code mandating that all students deemed distractingly attractive wear bags over their heads during school hours. “We saw a big improvement in test scores after we cracked down on shorts length,” says Mrs. PetBoarding, “and we figured, why not try to eliminate all possible classroom distractions.”


The administration finally realized the problems created by the beauty and facial symmetry of its students. Some students are more attractive than other acne-ridden teens, and M-A has finally developed a fair and effective method for keeping students’ eyes on their papers.


One of the largest problems with this system is deciding which students must wear these bags on their heads.  Due to a lack of funding, the school had to give up on its Rating Students Physical Attractiveness Application, or RSPAA. Instead, they have decided to form a panel of campus security members to rate each student on a scale of one to ten. All nines and tens will be required to wear bags.


Parent complaints have led Menlo-Atherton to consider making the ones and twos wear bags as well. “Ugliness can be just as distracting as a hot guy,” explains a nine student,  “especially if it’s within thirty inches of me, or pimplier than I am.”


The administration tells us, “We are taking attention away from students’ bodies and appearances by making them wear large bags over their heads. We believe that will help students focus in the classroom and create a more comfortable environment.”


The rate of student approval of dress code regulations has also seemed to rise as a result of this policy. “I love the new bag rules,” gushes an anonymous ugly student. “When you take all the attractive kids out of the mix, I look significantly more alluring!”