Satire: Teacher Fight Club: Bracket Update #1

Round One: Complete

Play-by-plays

Angelone vs. Jacobs

Angelone entered the ring in Amazonian war paint and with a wooden spear. As she chanted the Creative Writing battle cry, she charged in a ferocious attempt to surprise and quickly knockout Jacobs. However, as the crowd held their breath, at the last possible second Jacobs summoned her hormonal pregnancy powers and suddenly, a purple beam of pure maternal energy sent Angelone flying across the green. Angelone was out cold for a solid ten minutes before she shamefully picked up her mangled spear and quickly left.

 

Brodkey vs. Reklis

Reklis could not bring herself to hit Brodkey even once cause, let’s be honest, he’s such a sweetheart.

 

Powell vs. Coulombe

Powell began the round by dumping a bag of “Ultra-Miracle Gro” (Warning: UMGs are illegal in 53 states) all over the green. Suddenly the grass that Coulombe was standing over came alive and ferociously wrapped itself around Coulombe’s ankles. He was trapped. Incapacitated, Coulombe suddenly flashed a menacing grin. Suddenly the sky became dark and the stars began shining brighter than ever. “What’s happening?!” exclaimed Powell. “You forgot something, Lance,” said Coulombe, “asteroids have enough force, energy, and heat to vaporize a human being. This is caused by friction.” Suddenly a Mr. Powell-sized asteroid burst through the atmosphere and promptly struck the teacher where he stood. He was instantly vaporized.

 

McBlair vs. Caveney

As soon as the bell rung for the first round, McBlair promptly round-house kicked Caveney in the face.

 

Decurtins vs. Longyear

Decurtins’s knowledge of the moving world was no match for Longyear. Using a catapult that he had built earlier, Decurtins was able to calculate the trajectory of the moon’s orbit, matching it with the velocity of the birds passing by, and finally the speed of Sam’s golf cart. With all these calculations complete, he successfully launched himself on top of Longyear and pinned him in the first round.

 

Otsuka vs. Kane

As Kane cracked her knuckles and charged, Otsuka plugged in a panini maker and put it on the ground. Kane stepped on it and burned her foot pretty badly. She’s still in the hospital.

 

Roisen vs. Holthaus

As the bell rung, Roisen pulled out an enormous bag filled with dead cats and began throwing them at Holthaus. Holthaus was able to successfully dodge the cats until round 5, when Holthaus made a rookie mistake and miscalculated the trajectory of cat #107 (Nickname: Fluffy). He was promptly knocked out.

 

Ventura vs. LaPine

This one was a close call. Ten grueling rounds ensued before a victor was finally declared. At the tail end of the eleventh round, at the eleventh hour, Ventura’s Tim O’Brien tattoo suddenly jumped off her arm and wrapped itself around LaPine like a boa constrictor. As her face began to turn purple, LaPine finally tapped out.

 

Galliano vs. Cotter

This was, by the far, the most boring match the students had to sit through. Neither wanted to win, but neither wanted to damage their pride and simply give up. Finally, Galliano walked away claiming she had papers to grade.

 

Caryotakis vs. Day

Day won in the first round primarily due to her weapon of choice, her handmade colored pencil harpoons. Caryotakis was struck three times: a Moss Green to the forearm, a Sunset Yellow grazing her temple, and a Aquamarine to the knee. “It’s just AP Coloring…” grumbled Caryotakis as she limped off the green.

 

Florio vs. Martinelli

Florio failed to even show up, making Martinelli the winner by default.

 

Whitnah vs. Weiss

Weiss was no match for the almighty wizardry that is Whitnah. Wizard Whitnah called up the spirits of sine and the demons of derivatives. With a flick of his wand, Weiss was sprung into the air and disappeared above the clouds. He was last seen exiting the stratosphere and has yet to return to Earth.

 

Green-Heffern vs. Perry

Perry brought his own basketball hoop into the ring and just kept dunking until Green-Heffern got bored and left. Jk Perry’s too short lol.

 

Payne vs. Blocker

Payne took this time to reveal that she is actually a cyborg. Dubbed ‘The Payninator,’ her arm became a flamethrower and her eyes became straight-up lasers. Needless to say, Blocker dipped.

 

Wellington vs. Amoroso

It was obvious that Wellington didn’t want to be there, but if another absence went on his record he would have been suspended without pay. Amoroso brought along his “Big Stick” and prominently gave Wellington a BAD concussion. Unfortunately, Wellington had already used all of his sick days.

 

Wong vs. Kryger

Kryger summoned the “Dragon’s Shout” and with an almighty “HAH!” sent Wong flying across the green with his powerful soundwaves.