Satire: Teacher Fight Club: Bracket Update #2
McBlair vs. DeCurtins:
McBlair came in full kung fu ninja whatever gear per usual. He bowed to DeCurtins and entered a classical Kung-Pow Starfish stance. But DeCurt just smirked. McBlair seemed visibly hurt that his ancient Chinese impersonation of a nautical creature had not instilled fear in his opponent. “Why aren’t you cowering?” McBlair asked. “John, did you know I once fought an actual starfish? Once you fight a starfish, you can take on anything and anyone. Have you ever fought a starfish, John?” “No…” he admitted. DeCurt then suddenly threw a starfish at McBlair.
Otsuka vs. Roisen:
As the crowd chanted “Cat fight! Cat fight!” Roisen entered the ring in a bedazzled cat fur coat. He enthusiastically acknowledged the masses before turning to face his opponent. The Otsuka was at the other end of the ring, smiling brightly as if it were time for tea and not time to beat the crap out of Roisen. “No panini maker this time, Lisa?” sneered Roisen as he put on his wrist-wraps. “No! But I brought something better!” Suddenly a William Darcy impersonator stepped into the ring. “I’m just going to go check on Florio. Be back in a sec!” Otsuka tapped him in and left the ring. “What! You can’t do that! You can’t tap someone in! He’s a fictional character for Christ’s sake! Foul, I call fou-”. But before Roisen could finish his sentence, Darcy tackled Roisen to the ground and began ripping up his coat while exclaiming “I. Loved. That. Cat!”
Ventura vs. Day:
Day pulled out a diagram of the male and female genitalia from her back pocket in an attempt to confuse Ventura. It worked, as Ventura, a teacher of English, was not familiar with parts such as the epididymis and the urethra. While she was busy being educated, Day punched Ventura in the face.
Martinelli vs. Whitnah:
Whitnah the Wizard couldn’t wait to test out some new spells he had learned over spring break. But before he even could, yet another special guest entered the ring: Mrs. Martinelli’s son. For (the very few) people that don’t know, Martinelli’s son is a distinguished cop-Marine-Armyguy person who is a bad ass and anyone who says otherwise is getting an F in government. He immediately grabbed Whitnah’s wand and staff and broke them both in half while exclaiming “I’m in the ARMY!”
Perry vs. Payne:
Perry, in an attempt to outsmart the haters, secretly bought a “Miracle Grow” potion from Wizard Whitnah. However, not only was the potion ineffective, but Perry was apparently also allergic to the main ingredient: numbers. So he didn’t grow per se, but he did swell up pretty nicely, followed by him passing out in the ring. Payne just sort of stood speechless and stood over Perry, who at this point resembled an enormous sleeping infant.
Cotter vs. Brodkey:
Cotter demanded a different opponent, “This isn’t fair! I can’t hit this man! Look at him! Good God, the most evil being in the universe wouldn’t be able to hit this man! It’s not fair!” He didn’t get a rematch.
Amoroso vs. Kryger:
This battle went on for fifty-six rounds. The world hadn’t seen such a cringe-worthy, violent, teeth gritting battle since Simba fought Scar in The Lion King. By the end of round fifty-five, both were bruised and bloodied. Amoroso’s stick had been cracked in half and Kryger’s voice had gone hoarse. But neither were ready to give up. As the bell rang for the fifty-seventh round, lunch was ended and it was time for everyone to get to class. “Oh! I need to go teach my fifth period class!” said Kryger. Amoroso grinned ferociously, “I don’t have a fifth period class” he murmured. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” yelled Kryger as he pounded the ground with his hands in anger.
Keigher vs. Coulombe:
Keigher (formerly known as Jacobs) decided that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be participating in a teacher fight club and didn’t show. Coulombe won by default.